Confessions of a 30-ish Overworked and Underpaid Oppressed Housewife

Sub for Santa

2011-12-03T15:02:00.001-08:00

Every year I put together a Sub for Santa. I ask the mother of a family to make a list of 4 things for each of their kids and place this list on Amazon. This year the family I have chosen just lost their father in July to cancer, there are 5 kids and at this time the mother isn't working. With a broken heart and a super amount of followers to my site, I am begging if anybody can afford to get something, please do. Just go to Amazon.com and click wish list, then click Find Someone's Wish List and type in the email address tdcluff@msn.com... the list is under Sub for Santa 2011. Just pick something and send it directly to me 1962 Woodview Drive Lehi, Utah 84043 and I will wrap it up and bring it a week before Christmas.

Teach the Children the True Meaning of Christmas

2011-12-03T13:49:00.000-08:00

Just a week before Christmas I had a visitor. This is how it happened...I just finished the household chores for the night and was preparing to go to bed, when I heard a noise in the front of the house. I opened the door to the front room and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out from behind the Christmas tree.

He placed his finger over his mouth so I would not cry out. "What are you doing?" I started to ask. The words choked up in my throat, and I saw he had tears in his eyes. His usual jolly manner was gone.

Gone was the eager, boisterous soul we all know. He then answered me with a simple statement. "TEACH THE CHILDREN!" I was puzzled; what did he mean?

He anticipated my question, and with one quick movement brought forth a miniature toy bag from behind the tree. As I stood bewildered, Santa said, "Teach the children! Teach them the old meaning of Christmas. The meaning that now-a-days Christmas has forgotten."

Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a FIR TREE and placed it before the mantle. "Teach the children that the pure green color of the stately fir tree remains green all year round, depicting the everlasting hope of mankind, all the needles point heavenward, making it a symbol of man's thoughts turning toward heaven."

He again reached into his bag and pulled out a brilliant STAR. "Teach the children that the star was the heavenly sign of promises long ago. God promised a Savior for the world, and the star was the sign of fulfillment of His promise."

He then reached into his bag and pulled out a CANDLE. "Teach the children that the candle symbolizes that Christ is the light of the world, and when we see this great light we are reminded of He who displaces the darkness."

Once again he reached into his bag and removed a WREATH and placed it on the tree. "Teach the children that the wreath symbolizes the real nature of love. Real love never ceases. Love is one continuous round of affection."

He then pulled from his bag and ornament of HIMSELF. "Teach the children that I, Santa Claus symbolize the generosity and good will we feel during the month of December."

He then brought out a HOLLY LEAF. "Teach the children that the holly plant represents immortality. It represents the crown of thorns worn by our Savior. The red holly represents the blood shed by Him."

Next he pulled from his bag a GIFT and said, "Teach the children that God so loved the world that he gave..." "Thanks be to God for his unspeakable gift. Teach the children that the wise men bowed before the holy babe and presented him with gold, frankincense and myrrh. We should always give gifts in the same spirit of the wise men."

Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a CANDY CANE and hung it on the tree. "Teach the children that the candy cane represents the shepherds' crook. The crook on the staff helps to bring back strayed sheep to the flock. The candy cane is the symbol that we are our brother's keeper."

He reached in again and pulled out an ANGEL. "Teach the children that it was the angels that heralded in the glorious news of the Savior's birth. The angels sang Glory to God in the highest, on earth peace and good will toward men."

Suddenly I heard a soft twinkling sound, and from his bag he pulled out a BELL. "Teach the children that as the lost sheep are found by the sound of the bell, it should ring mankind to the fold. The bell symbolizes guidance and return."

Santa looked back and was pleased. He looked back at me and I saw that the twinkle was back in his eyes. He said, "Remember, teach the children the true meaning of Christmas and do not put me in the center, for I am but a humble servant of the One that is, and I bow down to worship Him, our Lord, our God."

Preface of My Book

2011-11-21T07:11:00.001-08:00

I have started working with a book person to get this published. Here is the Preface. What do you think? Would you keep reading?

"You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you."

- Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time

Preface

I never really took the time to bother with the everyday early morning runners and their monotonous daily routines. Yet, for one split moment this cold and slightly breezy early winter morning, I lost focus of who I had become. Since the mild change in climate people are wearing their slightly heavier workout attire, well heavy winter clothes for Southern California. This particular morning, I stopped and took the time to concentrate on the people running by me and what they were doing. Each one had very distinct thoughts and seemed to move in slow motion while passing, helping me absorb their lives much like a movie reel. I was placing myself in a vulnerable position, something I had never allowed myself to do. This was my fate. I knew what had to be sacrificed, as a sacrifice is the highest form of everlasting love. For a split second time was standing still and I realized my choice had changed everything. I was starting to… feel. I turned his way and looked into those dark hazel green eyes and finally knew who he was. I have been warned not to look into his eyes as, not to invade who he was, but the eyes are the window to ones soul and the only way I could truly find love.

Seriously, this was how it would end? This moment was etched into my heart, reshaped by what I saw in his eyes. Our lives had mixed, hearts intertwined, and souls joined. Shakespeare sweetly explained, “Perdition catch my soul but I do love thee.” Perdition was never a word I understood, let alone a word that would define my destiny.

I can feel the tears falling gently down my cheeks as he puts his arm around my cold shoulder. He was warm which took a small sting out this chilly morning. Distant traffic sounds filtered through trees: muted background music. Dandelions glowed yellow from the morning sun, it was impossible not to record the role they would inevitably play in my death. He flashed me a thoughtful smile, knowing, as well, what our future would hold. There is no reason for us to grieve. He completed me.

Mommy Asking for a Bit of Help

2011-11-18T10:09:00.000-08:00

As moms, we don’t ask for help. We think we're not supposed to ask for help -- and let’s face it, we often don’t like to. “Women believe that we’re supposed to handle everything ourselves, which is often at the root of why we’re unhappy,” says Randy Kamen Gredinger, EdD, a Wayland, Mass., psychologist, life coach, and blogger specializing in women’s issues. “We do everything, and feel unappreciated, but then we don’t want to ask for help. We need to be more collaborative.”

In September I made up my mind that it was high time to stop and ask others for help. I started slowly with my husband and have to say it totally works. I remember when I was talking with a friend about how I was going to get my girls to cheer. The carpool had canceled and I had to be at Ben’s football practice and the girls cheer at the exact same time. DRAMA, a moment of wishing I could split in two. Her responds… “why don’t you ask your husband”. Seems like a big DUH to most, but for me it was such a strange responds. Ask my husband to help out with something? Then it hit me. I wouldn’t ask my kids or husband to do something without help and believe it or not I am starting to understand that asking for help can be a sign of strength and wisdom because it’s hard asking for help but a smart decision when you know you could use some help. Not only is it a save the sanity smart decision, but it is a way to discover that others care about you.

Here is why all moms should ask for help

1. Even Us Super Moms Need a Break: This might come as a surprise to both your kids and husband, but really one woman cannot do it all. You don’t usually run your car on empty, so don’t run yourself. I wrote on facebook a couple of days ago, “Everyone should believe in something…. Today I believe I will have another Diet Coke”. Behind the subtle joke, I am beginning to understand that I need time to breath… become grounded. I had gotten to the point I couldn’t help but burst into tears in the comfort of darkness and solidarity. I thought when my kids went to school life would be a box of chocolates, but it actually got worse. Between homework, extra activities, and a clean house I had forgotten who I was. Not to worry, I am on the road to recovery and actually think I am almost there with this one.

2. Friends and Family want to help: Though this might sound totally lame. My therapist said the best reason to ask for help is because it gives others the opportunity to help. Unless you ask, they aren’t going to help because they don’t want you to feel as if they are intruding. Therefore, when you need a helping hand, ask your friends and family. Now the interesting aspect I have discovered through this process is the matter of true friendship. As you most know, I am a talker and pretty much make it a daily habit to become “friends” with anybody and their dogs. Yet, a true friends is hard to find. I love this quote

“A true friend is 1 who sees the 1st tear in your eyes, catches the 2nd & stops the 3^rd from falling and. if a 4th one happens to come, they slap you sill and says “Knock it Off.”

A true friend has time for you and sits and listens to what you have to say. They ask how you are doing and what they can do to make the day a little easier. I know I am a true friend as I would raise heaven and hell to ensure that I am doing all I can to be loyal. After weeks of watching and seeing how I am treated by others. I know who my true friends are and who I want to share my life with. I also know that my dear sisters have really joined into these ranks. I am trying to wean myself from those that my therapist refers to as “laugh and lunch” friends… those that are great to go out with once in a while, but will never really care about me. I need collaboration... a give and take :)

3. We Deserve a Break: A few weekends ago my therapist suggested that I save some money and take my husband on a weekend get away. This was the first actually get away from our kids that we have ever taken. I know, sad! The day I was going to drop my kids off from Friday to Sunday with my sister I was having the hugest panic attacks. I had butterflies in the stomach and was freaked out to leave my kids. I had my session that day and she told me that I work hard and I deserve a reward. I find pleasure in making my kids happy, but now need to learn to make myself and my husband happy. I set the tone for my family. In other words, I am the “heart” of the family. When I am feeling tired and drained all the time, my family senses it and things don’t run as smoothly within the household. Plus, I love my husband so much more when it is just the two of us. What a way to reconnect.

For you, my loyal readers… Why not start today? What is it that you can ask a friend or a family member to give you some help with? Let me know in a comment and I will see what I can do!

My Price of Invulnerability

2011-10-25T14:04:00.000-07:00

“The moment a woman comes home to herself, the moment she knows that she has become a person of influence, an artist of her life, a sculptor of her universe, a person with rights and responsibilities who is respected and recognized, the resurrection of the world begins.” ~Joan Chittister

It seems that for about two years I was amazing at writing blog posts. Did it at least once a week…. then last April I stopped. I tried to take some pictures of amazing crafts I made around the house, but seriously I am a writer, not a crafty picture taker of anything (No matter how amazing my craftsmanship is ;). So what happened? Where and why did I fall into this bog of eternal stench? Here let me ramble for a bit….

I have a million and one ideas of what to write about and find myself writing those posts in my head, never quite making it to paper (or in this technological day, blogspot). So where have I been? This is a good question and one my therapist and I have been working on since August. Lol. Yes, I have a therapist. Have you met me?? Seriously. I am beginning to wonder how mothers make it through their weekly events without one! Moms need to take care of themselves. Haven’t you noticed that when you are lacking in sleep, the house is a mess, the damn dog has pooped in the girls room and you are huddled in a ball at the end of the stairs bawling, the kids are in a high stress level as well. Moms seem to be the center of the house, the stability that brings either the crazies in or out. Duh, like I didn’t know that growing up being the oldest of 10 kids.

I think my problems started by chance at the beginning of the year when I found out my cousin had cancer… after a really good and strong battle he passed away leaving his five kids and wife in July. I have never totally had a lack of control situation in which I couldn’t predict or take charge of the outcome. Let me tell you, it sucks. Then in March or April, a girl in my neighborhood committed suicide. I can’t say I knew her or maybe that I took the time to know her, but it was just another layer of my fears unfolding. In my defense, she was one of my top blog readers. Every time I wrote a post she would comment on it and then I just questioned what is the point, she won’t respond. To some degree I felt like a failure. Does a written word ever mean anything? What am I writing for?

I honestly didn’t realize how much I was affected by these situations until I completely drop the 5,000 balls I usually juggle all at once (Using the term “throwing a wrench in it” makes a bit more sense now). Somehow my world was falling apart very quickly and I just froze… Totally out of character. Nothing made sense and I , for once in my life, I had no idea how to handle anything. I had stayed so busy so that the truth and pain in my life wasn’t able to catch up. So now, here I am an educated mother of 3 with absolutely no answers. I had friends family and an amazing husband, but was completely alone. I was dismissing joy because of the what if’s.

Four sessions into my therapy we watched a video from Brene Brown on YouTube called “The Price of Invulnerability”. Now for any youngsters who are reading this, when I was growing up in the 90’s, we actually had to talk about our problems or write it in a note we passed during Math class. I never was taught to take my words, write them down, and post them on Twitter or Facebook. So I guess this might be a generational problem or maybe a non-techie savvy type personality. I don’t write down aspects of my life that make me vulnerable. I want people to see me being strong. While I do lack a bit of tack when it comes to speaking, oh heck, it is never enough to show I am vulnerable. I guess I can see now that I suffer from “fatality syndrome”. I was forcasting what could of, would of happened so I wouldn’t feel the hurt.

Watch the first few minutes of this video to see what I am talking about…

I totally have always closed off the parts that make me vulnerable to others, even my husband, which in turn shut off my ability to be happy and find joy. I didn’t want to ask my friends for help – they would see that I am not perfect. I didn’t want to ask my family for help – they were already had enough problems of their own. How could I turn to my husband who saw me as a person who could handle everything? You see, I had a fatalistic response for everything. I couldn’t be vulnerable because I didn’t want to feel the pain... I had “to beat vulnerability to the punch”. That is why I stopped blogging, nobody reads what I write anyways so why bother.

So now I have decided to be vulnerable. I am learning to love who I am and be happy just because I am happy... enjoying the moment. I am learning how to be ordinary and hopefully that will just be my extraordinary. So my posts will be weekly, because writing makes me happy and if nobody posts a comment, that is okay. I am doing something that I like to do and while this writing might not save the world, it will save me.

Teacher Gifts: Underappreciated

2011-05-31T17:44:00.000-07:00

So I don't mean to rant and rave here, but I teach preschool in my basement. Key point here is, teach. While it may seem like a plush job to many, I ask you this, have you ever had one of those weekends where come Monday morning you are actually looking forward to going back to work and feel you need a break? And that’s based on spending time with your own child whom you love unconditionally. Now do that 3 days a week.

To understand the life of a teacher is difficult if you haven’t done it before, but I think this quote by Donald D. Quinn says it best, “If a doctor, lawyer, or dentist had 40 people in his office at one time, all of whom had different needs, and some of whom didn’t want to be there and were causing trouble, and the doctor, lawyer, or dentist, without assistance, had to treat them all with professional excellence for nine months, then he might have some conception of the classroom teacher’s job.”

Yet, the end of the year came and went and on the last day I got one thank you card and a thank you present... so out of 14 kids, I got two thank yous from parents, the ratio is not very good in my favor. Not that I am complaining about not getting presents, the point is that I felt a bit like a failure. Did I suck so the parents didn't want to say thank you??

Jenna explained that because it was "just" preschool and most of the students are the oldest that parents just don't understand that teachers need to be appreciated. She even mentioned that maybe the idea of sharing your gratitude for your child's teacher at the end of year may be a bit old fashion. Personally, I think she may be just nice to the sad giftless teacher.

It wasn't even as though I wanted a huge giftcard to Nordstroms (though that would have made my day) it was the point that I needed the recognition that all the hours I spent planning and working with their children really did pay off... just a quick little text or note would be suffice. Any sort of gift no matter if it was free or terribly expensive is appreciated and lets teachers know the parent and the child were happy with the year together. Heck, being a teacher is far from an easy job.

But since this is the last week of school for my kids, and not wanting to share the sorrow with another educator, I decided to do a quick DIY apple for about a buck. Here is what I did....

I went to the $1 store and got 4 little glass jars for $1. Here are the supplies... all from the $1 store. Tissue Paper, Red Hots, little bowls, brown colored pencil.

On the top I took some red tissue paper and modge podged that bad boy.

I found I had to find something to let it dry on... Luckily we had a medicine bottle. :)

I then took the second bowl and put some red glitter (from the $1 store) added a bit of modge podge . I cut a brown colored pencil and hot glued that as the "stem". Added a tissue paper green leaf.

How to Train Your Husband

2011-04-21T08:25:00.001-07:00

We got the most adorable dog named Molly a couple of months ago. She is 5 year old dachshund and when I talked to her previous owner she had no problems with kids, people, other dogs. Well flash forward 2 months and she doesn't like other dogs, goes a bit MIA fast when the door opens up, pees in the basement, likes to jump up on my 4 year old and attacks kids if they get near her. Big problem, but I am getting closer and closer to her beginning to listen. So I researched and watched shows such as "It's the Dog or Me" and have been trying to implement those findings into my every day life.

Last week we hit our 11 years of marriage and while doing research on how to train my dog I can now see that I did not train my husband very well. In the past 11 years of our marriage I think I made SEVERAL life changing mistakes in this process and now am wondering if that saying applies to husbands. Is it true that you can teach an old husband new tricks??

My husband is a great man, he makes me laugh, keeps me sane and at the same time keeps me on my toes. He is a keeper and I wouldn't trade him in to the humane society for anything. Yet, I have set him up for failure and this impacts my lack of control in key situations of our life. I have spouts of widow abandonment during the ongoing sports sessions, he suffers from spousal deafness (yet surprisingly never fails to hear me curse him under my breath from afar), doesn't like to interrupt his beauty sleep even when he gets more hours than me, and is a bit forgetful when it comes to housework and his "honey do" list.

Who knew?

To teach a puppy basic obedience, you need to spend from 20 to 25 minutes training it every day for ten weeks

Attention, frustrated wives: if you want your husband to start listening to you and stop leaving his socks on the floor, all you need is a little patience and a bit of time (It took me 11 years to get in this fix and it is not going to change over night). Here is my basic game plan.

1. Teach to Listen to Simple Commands -- This is a fairly common problem for both animal trainers and wives. Husbands just don't listen. We ask and ask, but there is this spousal deafness that seems to place an invisible barrier around our words. Well, we need to set our husbands up for success. When you want something done, it should be done with a firm, decisive tone of voice. This is something I seem to forget. I ask and then I ask something else, and something else. From now on it is one thing... and not stated in a question.

"Can you do the dishes before you go to bed?" a question. If a command is delivered weakly, your husband may perceive you're not serious about what you're saying and may not consider it worth his time to respond. This is a very common problem among wives. When we give a command our voice rises at the end which almost makes the command seem like a question rather than a statement. Practice giving your commands in a short, firm but loving fashion. "The dishes need to get done before you go to bed". End of sentence, simple statement, walk away.

2. Positive Reinforcement- Dogs love being praised. When your dog performs the action you're commanding, we give her positive reinforcement in the form or a treat or praise. Okay, same can go with husbands. I was talking to a friends husband yesterday about what I should get my husband for his birthday. He said "I always tell my wife she should just give me the present that is free". I am not saying that sex is a reward for your husband because that is just strange, but it does mean that husbands will work for rewards, free rewards. Whether it's cleaning the car, putting the bins out or mowing the lawn, make a real point of thanking him as soon as he does something you like.

Though he doesn't realize it, Tyler basks in the rays of my growing appreciation. He was sitting on the coach folding clothes and I thanked him, now whenever I put the laundry on the couch he starts to fold. In fact, the more positive I am with my husband, the faster his husbandly defensiveness fades away. When I asked him to do something, he was more responsive. His spousal deafness miraculously may seem to improve, too, if implemented more.

3. Identifying your Roles - Wow, I missed the boat here (hello, bossy wife). In a relationship it is not an alpha dog classification. We actually have to work hand in hand with our husbands and try not to take control. My problem is that I took control of everything leaving Tyler very little responsibility with the kids and the house. All I was doing was planting my flag and claiming my territory. Training you husband may also mean training yourself to stop enabling the bad behavior. When Tyler stubbornly resisted I snarled and take it VERY personally. Dog trainers warn students to guard against their deep instinct to boss another creature around, as it does not encourage a positive relationship with your pet. So I am going to take this one in baby steps. Simply command something get done, wait for it to get done and then praise him if it does.

All in all, if none of this work, we might need assistance from an "obedience class". We did try therapy around year 7 and lasted two classes. Things did change for a year or so, but overall the therapist just picked on me. Training a man may sound harsh, but it’s actually about women training themselves to speak up at the right time, and being fair about it. It changes the status quo. It’s asking for what you want during “peace time,” not during the heat of an argument, and rewarding him every time he does the right thing.

In the process, you rekindle the interest and passion you shared when you were first dating. Training is easy and it starts and ends with you. Let’s face it; the relationship is in your hands. Guys look to us to set the tone. If we’re happy they’re happy.

The Hearts that She Touched

2011-04-05T08:01:00.000-07:00

This past weekend a neighbor past away in the middle of the night. She was young, 6 years younger than me, she had 4 kids. I knew her, in the sense that I saw her on occasion and had the honor of talking with her over the year she lived by me. She made me laugh, She made me smile and we talked for hours about General Hospital.

You touched the hearts of many,
you presence still linger in our souls,
its so hard to think goodbye,
I question why so early in life,
even though you are gone,
you'll never be forgotten,
You'll be missed by many,
its brings tears to my eyes,
that this is a goodbye,
rest in peace,
we will see you in eternity.

Wordless Monday?!

2011-03-28T14:23:00.000-07:00

It just is one of those days....

The Horrific Turmoil of Being a Mom and Drinking Diet Coke

2011-03-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

Recently, like this past Sunday, I was sitting in church. My Emma was chatting about something, my Audrey was constantly asking to use the bathroom, and my Ben was making my Emma laugh which in turned made me try to think of quick and quiet ways to get them to settle down. There is such a fine line, for me, about teaching my kids when to be quite, reverent, and self entertainment. Plus how do I teach my children to pay attention to adult speakers when I am having the same problem? I also have come to terms with how crafty my children are at knowing there is nothing that I can do besides the "SHHH" and "be quite" during this sometimes long hour. But this post isn't going to be about my bad parenting on Sunday, but the relationship of events that coincide with my bad parenting skills this day.

So this is how my Sunday was going. I often wonder if maybe when I am older and the snacks and church bags are gone that I might actually be able to understand and follow the speakers. In between the stories about Halo Legos and how Emma hearing the speaker say the word, "Jesus" (Mom, he said Jesus, he said it again. Now he said Benjamin, King Benjamin... is Benjamin a King? I thought he was my brother....) I hear the speaker relate talking about the different hypocrisy of the members of the church. He then comments (and yes, he posted his talks on his blog so I can then cut and paste here. All in all it really is a good talk that you should read because it makes valid points), "Any public manifestation of righteous behavior should not be a mask that is taken off when in the privacy of our home" in which I chuckle... yeah, chuckle... Right... how would I ever be able to mask my hypocrisy. I own it. Seriously?! I think I spend more of my time apologizing for my kids and MY mistakes than being able to poke and prod at what anybody else is doing wrong. I swear it is always one of mine or something I said without letting the words wheel around in my head before I say them outloud (my mom told me to do that all the time).

The speaker then said, "We are not immune from hypocrisy. It is found in the ...people who criticizes an associate who occasionally smokes marijuana but who himself has a strong Diet Coke addiction". I chuckle again, Diet Coke and the Mormon church are as controversial as the Disney Animators and the Little Mermaid or Charlie Sheen getting back on Two and a Half Men. Why does Diet Coke raise the ire of so many Mormons?

I then posted on my facebook, "I think drinking diet coke was just compared to smoking cigarettes in church today"... Then I started to think about it. One of the biggest stereotypes of Mormon woman is that of having an "Addiction" to Diet Coke. It is common is circle of friends to hear, "Most Mormon Moms actually have a Diet Coke IV shoved into their veins. Drinking it takes too much time" (That is for you, Jennifer Ellis).

But the actually addiction to diet coke, I think is a fallacy. To be more specific, I'm going to have to go with the false dilemma fallacy.... "the fallacy can also arise simply by accidental omission of additional options rather than by deliberate deception". So here is how the, naysayers see Diet Coke and all the moms talking about "Holy Crap, I need a Diet Coke" after spending the day with the kids. Others make take comments such as, "My weekly Saturday trip to the grocery store to pick up a 2-liter of “Happy Juice” for consumption after church each Sunday has become a warped act of religious devotion for me" might realm on the point of addiction if you don't find the humor behind it. Do the uneducated in the world of soda drinking even know that for most, Diet Coke is slang for a drink?? Let's go get a Coke... Sometimes, as a mom, we just got to get out and "go and get a coke". Plus, I don't even really like Diet Coke, but am more of a Coke Zero, Diet Pepsi fan. So much that is accidentally omitted in this deliberate attack on my sanity.... my need for that 15 minutes of quite where I don't have to listen to anybody fighting or asking questions. Seriously, my kids stop talking when the lady comes on the box and says, "Can I take your order?". The speaker of this talk then went to his blog and as a joke posted... "Incidentally, I understand that she has a Diet Coke addiction". Which is somewhat the truth, but still a fallacy. I am an addict -- "Hello, my name is Debbie and I am addicted to 15 minutes of just me time". So let's get the actual facts straight here...

As a mormon mom, what do I have?? I don't social drink at parties, I don't go clubbing with the girlfriends in the wee hours of the night, I never go to Starbucks and sit, I forgo the occasional use of weed in the backyard (Yes, this happened alot with the mom that I nannied for)... I go get a Diet Coke. If you walk into a house outside of the typical mormon home you might hear, "Would you like a cup of coffee?" I found this quote that says, "When I serve the coffee and if it is one of those wonderful tasting pots of coffee, my guest and I seem to have a much better conversation. We both feel happier because the coffee is so delicious".... Diet Coke is like the Social Aspect of the Mormon Church. So while it is not breaking the word of wisdom to have anything in moderation... the poor stereotyping of mom's addiction to Diet Coke has got to stop. Sitting with my friends on the grass during the summer time sipping a 48 ouncer of Diet Coke is just delicious. I have been known to go to the drive through and bring back drinks so we can just sit and chat.

So here's to the drink that has brought together millions of frazzled moms on a hot summer day. It's the drink that has sat in on millions of mormon mom's fridge around the world as devote followers. It's the drink that has helped millions of women overcome the daily headaches of being a mom. It's the drink that signified the official transition from wife to mother.

From my Sista' Site: FREE GIVEAWAY!! Baby Crib Shoes and Baby Warmers

2011-03-21T14:22:00.000-07:00

This is our FIRST GIVEWAY. We will be drawing for two different prizes from our wonderful sponsor, Dapper and Dainty. Here is what is up for grabs....

Crib shoes come in sizes: 0-3 months, 3-6 months, 6-9 months, 9-12 months and retail for $10

Dapper Leg Warmers: Your choice from the blog! Retail $12!

Here is what you have to do to win!

Mandatory Entries

Must be a Follower on THIS Google to enter Giveaway.

Tell me what color leggings or which shoes you want.

Extra Entries - Just click the line and you will be automatically sent to site.

Follow Retail be Gone

-Like "Retail Be Gone" on Facebook

-Follow Dapper and Dainty Here (1 entry each)

-Like "Dapper and Dainty" on Facebook (1 entries)

This Giveaway Ends on Friday, March 25th at 8 pm PST (Sorry, I am a mom of 3, I go to bed early!!)

St. Patty's Day Hair Bows

2011-03-16T19:13:00.001-07:00

This is my FAVORITE thing to do for St. Patty's Day. I combine my two most fav crafts -- Hair Bows and Preschool Art. What you will simply need are Head Bands which I get 5 for $1 at Family Dollar, Green Tempura Paint, and Styrofoam Cups.

First preheat your oven to 320 and place 4 to 5 Styrofoam cups on a cookie sheet and place in oven for 3 minutes or so. You really have to watch them and take them out of the oven when they look like little hats. ALSO don't heat up the oven or they go super fast and shrink into a pile of mush. This is the shrinking process of the cups in the oven...

Get the green paint out and paint the hats green like below...

Next get some black felt and cut a square and hot glue. You can also use aluminum foil. I get my black felt for a $1 from the Dollar Store.

Here are the headbands from the Family Dollar Store...

And the END PRODUCT! Aren't they just adorable!

To Sweats or Not to Sweats -- That is the question

2011-03-08T09:17:00.000-08:00

SHH! I have a confessions. I have been known to sport my pink flannel pj's to the local drive through and was talking with the principal of my kids school this morning, at drop off, with grey sweats, my Hawaii Hoodie, and here is the ticker -- NO BRA! This isn't a daily occurance, or so I like to think, it happens only a few times that I am out in sweats, and I am not proud. But no one, even a harried stay-at-home mom, would ever actually go into a store or anywhere else in public like that, right?

Oh so WRONG!

So wrong, in fact, that Tesco, a giant grocery chain in the UK, has actually had to enact an official store policy banning patrons wearing slippers and/or nightwear. London’s Daily Mail reports a notice posted at the entrance to a Tesco superstore in Wales: “To avoid causing embarrassment to others we ask that our customers are appropriately dressed when visiting our store (footwear must be worn at all times and no nightwear is permitted).” HA HA HA... Like nursing without a cover and your boob hanging out wasn't bad enough, now the English are taking away the pajamas.

This woman pictured at the left, mother-of-two Elaine Carmody, 24, was one of the first pajama-wearing Tesco customers be marched out by a security guard.

She said: “I just don't understand it. I go in other shops in my pajamas and they don't say anything. … it is ridiculous and stupid. I've got lovely pairs of pajamas, with bears and penguins on them. I've worn my best ones today, just so I look tidy.” One Internet comment urged Walmart to impose the same rule. Added another, “I hope America adapts this ASAP.” Can you even imagine the headlines "Moms banned from midnight showing of Twilight due to Flannel Christmas Pajamas".

Wait a minute, I think I own those pants -- Old Navy?

For heaven’s sakes, moms, it is now a law in some countries and we need to have some pride and self respect in how we shop! I don’t actually care so much about what the other shoppers are thinking: Is a mother in her flannels really a lot worse than Britney Spears prancing through Target half-naked, in an outfit consisting mainly of flip-flops, cut-offs and a Starbucks cup? The problem is a matter of self-respect or self deprivation from adult interaction. How can you take yourself, and what you do in life, seriously, if you don’t think you’re important enough to even bother getting dressed in the morning? I mean those clothes will still get cleaned if you are wearing heels.

I called my sister about this and she said, "“Amen to that! Is it really too hard to put on pants in the morning? People used to care about how they looked when they left the house. I blame the decline of western civilization on Juicy sweatpants and Ugg boots.” Damn you Juicy Pants! You fit too well and your plush feel calls my name when I get out of bed.

Two of my mom friends confess to wearing their slippers that look like Uggs out and about. To that I say – it’s a slippery slope, ladies! I’m keeping my eye on those two; hopefully I won’t have to do any bunny-slipper interventions in the coming months

Look, I’m a mom. I know how hard it is to get two kids out of the house and to school on time – especially when you have stayed up late watching divo of the Bachelor and Gossip Girls. And I work from home, so it’s not imperative for me to be dressed nicely every day. I usually rush out of the house in the morning to school wearing something something that doesn't smell on the floor, and then I have the luxury of getting changed after drop-off. But, by golly, before I show up at a store later that morning or at pick-up in the afternoons ,I’m at least wearing jeans or some form of yoga pants, my hair is done and I’m probably wearing makeup... well sometimes.

This is a wake up call -- Ladies, it is time to say NO to sweats so we can become known as a society where we are not "asked" to be removed from a store because of our appearance. It is embarrassing enough to have 2 kids fighting, running up and down the isles, and spit up dripping from our hair at the grocery stores. It is time to send a message to other moms -- sweats are not to be. Even if it’s just an Ugg-clad foot into the grocery store. And the Manolo's are worth the money, even if it is just a quick romp to get a Diet Coke. So now I am going to get up and dress a bit more like this --

My Emma in a Nutshell

2011-03-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

My Emma is just one of a kind. She is a nut. That is basically what she is. Sometimes I wonder where she comes from, but then have a strange hunch that she is alot like me. Yesterday my sister came over and asked if we were going to hold Emma back from entering Kindergarten in September because she is so short... she is short. She is almost 5 and still wears 2 T. I like to think she is more petite than short... but whatever, she is adorable. Here is a list of her latest "Oh no she did not say that"....

Emma, who is the president of the United States -- Burger King

OMG

My dad asked Emma where she wanted to go, he had an empty box. She got in the box and said "Nanok". He said where is that. She said, "Far away, duh"

Everything is "that is kinda freaking me out".

Emma was talking to her cousin on the phone when I heard her say "Can you hear me... I was shaking my head" to a question that Lo Lo asked.

In her prayers she said, "Dear Uncle Jesus, please bless my Uncle Devin will get better... oh, yeah... and bless the food"

I asked Emma what she wanted to drink and she said Diet Coke, but if they don't have that I guess I will take a Diet Pepsi.

Emma told me she had a good dad, I said I picked a good dad, and she said "yeah we all like to pick on dad -- and poke him"

Yesterday she said, "I have Jesus in my brain and it is kinda freaking me out"

Noah, her friend, asked to marry her, she said no

I found an eyelash on Emma's cheek during sacrament. I picked it off and put it on my thumb and whimsically added, "Emma Blw". She blew her nose, snot all over my thumb.

I asked Emma where the rain came from, "The wind kind, he is now crying"

Boxed CHECK 35-42

2011-03-04T08:42:00.001-08:00

I was filling out a free sample of something unimportant when I came to a box that asked my age... Then I saw the box they wanted ME to check.... 35-42. Seriously?? Can it possible that this youthful sex goddess is wanted to check a box that is close to the classification of being in my 4o's?! My life is still an array of commotion, but I think I will take with pride the box that places me in 35...

At 22 you’re a New Graduate, faxing and filing
While dating a guy who can’t stop drunk-dialing.
You begin to wonder if college was simply a waste,
Long gone are the idealistic dreams that you chased.
(…for now, anyway!)

Next you’re a Dollarless Diva with no cash in sight,
Eating peanuts off the bar when you go out at night.
You’re dating a guy just for the free meals,
And searching the clearance rack for any good deals.
(…that you buy on credit!)

By 24, you dive into your career and become the Worker Bee,
Taking on bigger projects and working overtime for free.
Your sights are set higher than the cubicle you’re in,
And you run yourself ragged, determined to win.
(Will showing some leg help?)

Around 25, you realize the food you eat is making you chubby,
You start feeling disgusting and tired and grubby.
You become the Body Conscious Babe and hit the gym hard,
Determined to lose every last inch of lard.
(Come on, it’s not that bad!)

Once you’re in shape, and you’re feeling great,
Around 28 you meet a guy you actually want to date.
He likes hiking, so you take it up too,
You’re a Chameleon, becoming like him to make him love you.
(…but not for long!)

A bit or so later, you realize you feel a bit strange.
This guy just isn’t The One, but it’s so tough to change.
Your job gets you down and you’re not satisfied with your life
You’re in Crisis Chick mode and nothing at all seems quite right
(Bring on the chocolate and naps!)

Around 30, you pull through, and after a final good cry,
You switch jobs, change your wardrobe and marry a good guy.
You figure out a path in order to make it on your own
And become Happy Girl, you can't do it alone.

But one day you’re putting on your makeup under bright lights in the loo,
And you notice a wrinkle staring right back at you.
It must be the lighting– it just can’t be real,
Or maybe, you realize, you’re not as young as you feel.

You’re a little confused—you’re no longer a girl,
But you’re not yet a women, and that makes you in a “Whirl”
You’re caught between the two with your age starting to show,
But you’re not old just yet! You’ve got many years left to go!
(At least sixty or so!)

You think back over your life, and all you’ve been through,
It seems like there’s been three or four or ten different yous.
You wonder how you survived each and every phase,
Enduring crazy-sagging boobs and exhausting kid filled days.

But you’ve learned patience, and hard work, and carrying kids while in heels,
And turning 35 is not as bad as it feels,
You see that your life is a constantly changing commotion,
Full of challenges, fun times, lots of love and emotion!

So the next time life sucks and your husbands an ass,
Remember that surely this stage too shall pass.
You’ll make it through the tough times and gracefully survive,
Remember all the best women have turned 35.

The best days lie ahead, you’re now the True You!
Get busy living, there’s so much to do.
Make every new day what you want it to be.
The future has not been written. Only you hold the key!

Manic Monday Blog Hop

2011-02-27T21:44:00.000-08:00

Super Easy Manic Monday Blog Hop.... Here are the rules

Follow the Host "Confessions of a 30ish Overworked and Underpaid Oppressed Housewife"
and follow "Retail Be Gone"
Then hop around and follow other bloggers to follow.

Sometimes You Just Need To Bust a Move

2011-02-24T08:10:00.000-08:00

This here's a jam for all the fellas
Tryin to do what those ladies tell us
Get shot down cause ya over-zealous
Play hard to get females get jealous
Okay smarty go to a party
Girls are scantily clad and showin body
A chich walks by you wish you could sex her
But you're standing on the wall like you was Poindexter
Next days function high class luncheon
Food they're serving, you're stone-cold munchin
Music comes on people start to dance
But then you ate so much you nearly split your pants
A girl starts walking guys start gawking
Sits down next to you and starts talking
Says she wants to dance cause she likes to groove
So come on fatso and just bust a move

Suit Shopping Is NOT fun!

2011-02-23T21:01:00.000-08:00

I love to shop. Sometimes when I am having a rough day, I can get in the car and just go to Smith's Market Place and walk around. I don't even have to buy anything, maybe a Diet Coke (HELLO!), to feel satisfied with my shopping experience. On a daily basis I usually go to J. Crew or Children's Place and fill my cart with things that I will never buy. My friend Julie was just saying yesterday that I go to the store like everyday, but the big secret is that I might go to the store, but I don't always shop at the store. I like to look around, walk around, smell the flowers, the perfume, touch the clothes, dab at the cosmetics.... just the thrill of shopping.... my emotional fix. I thought I could spend time in any store and be happy, until today when I went with Tyler to the Men's Wearhouse.

What a horrible place this Men's Wearhouse. It is a suit store and it just isn't fun. They have giant sale signs, which I normally love to read and appreciate, but the sales are not all that amazing and the labels read between $299 and $499... SERIOUSLY?? Then when they pull out these suits, they all look the same... pin striped, blue, grey.... It is just not fun. Where are the hot blondes that usually model these suits?! I can tell you, not at the Men's Wearhouse.

Plus, where is he going to wear this suit?? Suits are for BORING and NO FUN events... funerals, court dates, church. Not really a sexy and excited way to spend the day shopping. So we went to this suit store and I felt no rush, no thrill, no emotional connection... and I left feeling a void, an emptiness that I have never encountered when shopping... even though I spent well over $500, which should normally wet my appetite. I never got the "transported" feeling that I get when I walk into a Target, Nordstroms or Macy's.

I hate to admit this, but if all men have to experience this suit shopping experience at a young age it might explain the Men hate Shopping phenomenon that is so relevant in our culture. We all have experience shopping with our better half... We laugh at the Women are from Nordstroms, Men are from Sears. We glide up the escalators, humming the familiar tunes played on the grand paino... but what if we only were able to experience the Suit Store?!

I hate to admit this, but it all makes sense, this shopping on a mission philosophy. I walked in and just wanted to grab something and walk out. They had no sounds of laughing women, no perfume counters, no music. I started to think like a man and was excited about the close parking space, that all the color of suits were in stock and that the length of the checkout line was minimal to none. Gone were my days of investing in my shopping experience. I had no emotional attachment to the idea of buying a $250 product, with the second item being only $100. My thoughts kept going back to the idea that these suits would be worn only because society has deemed it social acceptable for him to buy expensive suits and only wear them a couple times a month. All I wanted to do is buy it and leave so I could do something else, anything else. This was no Manolo Blahnik Sex in the City experience.

All in all, today was a shopping bust... a disaster of the highest magnitude... something less satisfying than chicken noodle soup on a cold winter day. Please bless that I don't have to repeat this. I have to go, Costco is calling my name.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-22T22:45:00.001-08:00

I Love a Good Deal on Kids Clothes

2011-02-22T11:54:00.001-08:00

Why buy new clothes for kids, when you can swap 'em for a fraction of the price? Sign up for Free today! They'll even send you free boxes for sending in your gently used kids and maternity clothing!

CLICK HERE!

New Favorite Deals For Mom Site!

2011-02-21T11:35:00.000-08:00

Fighting Ignorance in Retail since 2002 (taking longer than I thought)

So what do we do here? Well, it’s simple. Every day we provide tips that will save you money, increase your productivity in the house, AND simply keep you sane without cutting coupons (OK, so you might have to print and cut them).

Freaking Lego Genius

2011-02-18T09:07:00.001-08:00

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I am the Freaking BIGGEST Lego Genius of all Time. Yes, I am. Chalk it up there with all my other creative identities and I might just be the Worlds Greatest Mom, as well. Let me give you a bit of a background, I do a bit of freelance writing and am writing a book for a sales floor on how to teach kids to budget their money. As this is one of my biggest downfalls in my life, I have to write and implement the program at the same time... best to learn through trial and error if I do say so myself.

So the first order of business is allowance and teaching my son how to save his money. He is a spender, much like his mom and dad and aunties and uncles and grandparents... the list is long, but I am set on breaking that chain of command. A wonderful friend taught me that in order for kids to save money they have to have a goal... a realistic goal that will require savings and patients. Here is my plan. When my kids reach $100 I will double it to $200. When they then reach $500 I will add another $100. When they make it to 1000 I will add another hundred...My friend double it at $100, $500, and $1000, but my husband is a cop and I am a mommy blogging teacher so that would kill our budget and place us in financial ruin.

Ben worked during the Christmas Break and made $60... THEN we do the allowance of $1 per age a week and since December he is up to $75... $25 to go. His friends are all into the Lego Ninjagos... and if you know Lego's they like to capitalize on making there old products new with a new name so kids will spend money on something they already have at home... His Christmas consisted of the Mega-blocks (not to be confused with the Lego Brand) of Halo and so now that the new trend has shifted to Ninjagos... he wants to spend all his money in one shot, without saving anything, on getting these guys.

Being the now savvy shopper that I am (Did I mention my husband cut off all fund for the month of February??) I told him... Ben, you already have all the legos that are in these boxes... we just need to make the characters. So I grabbed the two cans of spray paint that I have -- red and black -- see Tyler IT IS important to keep cans of spray paint at all times -- and started to put together my own version of these Damn Ninjagos. Ladies and Gents... While my hands are now red and black for the next week I present the Cluff version of Ninjagos... Hold the applause until the end of the show, please...

Here are the ACTUAL Lego Versions of theRed Ninjagos..And here is mine... I am going to have to get a black permanent marker though to make the markings of the ninja.

And here are the Blue and Black Ninjagos... Since I have a coupon at Smith's Market Place I think I am going to run and get some Blue Spray Paint later today.
And here is my version of the black one. Sorry cheap camera makes it hard to focus... But I just sprayed painted the entire thing black...

Come on, click the link below now...

How Mom's Bring LOVE to their Kids

2011-02-14T11:45:00.000-08:00

A Mother loves right from the start. She holds her baby close to her heart.
The bond that grows will never fail
So I am going to HAIL the complex lessons we teach out of LOVE...

You will teach them how to pray, no sweat, with phrases like
"you better pray this comes out of the carpet".

Logic and reason will be taught this day,
"because I told you so" defines this lesson and something we all say.

Teaching them foresight is a what you meant with,
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident"

For some simple love lessons on Irony might be a tricky bit, but with the
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about" can be said in a split.

Is it raining, snowing, sunny teaching the weather can be a trick,
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it" but out of love we do this quick.

While the Lion King might sing about this family route,
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out" will teach our kids this what the Circle of Life is really about.

Your kids will NEVER ask about their roots,
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" isn't something they can dispute.

Whether you are driving in a car or at a friends house, teaching anticipation, "Just wait until we get home", will build a better relation.

One of the most important lessons of love will always remain
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." -- as wisdom and knowledge go hand in hand.

On Valentine's Day us Mom's think of those Who make our lives worthwhile,
Those gracious, friendly children who we think of and can only smile.

Justin Biebers Biggest Fan

2011-02-11T17:45:00.000-08:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-09T08:21:00.000-08:00

My Book of Life

2011-02-08T07:56:00.000-08:00

To quote “You’ve Got Mail”, sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?

I do lead a small and simple life. I have three kids, a house, a dog, and a husband. Pretty basic, but as opposed to the above statement, most of my life reminds me of something that should either should be a book or turned into a lifetime movie special. Check out the similarities.
Now, what makes a good book. It is the job of the writer to draw in the attention of the reader through some sort of emotional connection. The reader should be anxious to turn the next page, or in my life live the next day.This is how I wake up every morning... always wondering what the day is going to bring and how I am going to deal with it. Here is a list of my life as a book
.
Well-developed characters:

Husband: He is patient annoying and frustrating, but that is okay because I love him that way.

Ben - I would like to say that in my pre-kids days I envisioned myself like Marmee in Little Women: the wise, loving lead of a feminine brood. This came to a shocking hault with my first born. I was scared silly about the task at hand; I imagined wildness, loudness, adoration of trucks, and risk-taking behavior that would end in visits to the ER. I knew in my heart that boys were surely the tougher gender to raise, but 9 years later. While it is true he is all boy, he is also a momma’s boy and I love every moment of it.

Audrey – And the opposite of all boy is Audrey. She is sweet simple and sassy. She is all pink.

Emma- She is the daredevil and mini-genius.

Action: A good fiction book needs to be filled with action.
We got action, serious? Yesterday, Audrey walked into the laundry room to find a mouse. All the girls screamed and jumped on the counter while Ben jumped up to grab a broom. We have stair falling, dead invisible men, and a house full of chaos and terror.

Great Plot: The writer keeps the reader guessing right to the end by using surprising, realistic plot twists. Just when we think we know “who did it" – bam – a new twist creeps up and a story involves more.

So I put the girls in the bath yesterday. Simple process, I went and finished making the beds and picking up the rooms. Took the kids up, lathered them in lotion and then Emma started to scream. My 4 year old had decided she was going to shave her arm pits, stomach, legs, and arms… great combination with the lotion. She still has razor burn.

Possible Titles??

Curse you Lysol why do you look like my Hairspray!?

Amen to the ceremonial execution of the striped pregnancy shirt

HA! There is a button in the sidebar that says "Click Like if you Like Being a Mom"... what to do what to do. First thought, hesitation.

Need Back up!! Diet Coke WHERE ARE YOU??

Overall, my life isn’t fiction so I plan on sticking this out past the end or happily ever after.

The Case of the Invisible Man

2011-02-05T19:29:00.000-08:00

It was three o clock in the afternoon and the sun was shining through the window on this calm Saturday. Outside looked freezing and I watched the trees slightly billowing in the breeze. In an instant, a cold wind came whistling down the hill and slightly shook the 21st century style, two story house. In the tastefully furnished ground floor kitchen the two eldest children were pleasantly heard laughing in the next room enjoying a relaxing game of Monopoly.

Then a scream shattered the tranqulity as Emma, 4 years of age, came running into the kitchen with the look of death plastered across her face. I knew somebody had died... could it be murdered on the orient? No, we were in the North West, not the East. Phew!

"Mom, my best friend, the invisible man is dead. He was eaten by a werewolf and his heart has stopped beeping!" she tells me as giant tears swell up her eyes, "He was so nice and I really liked him."

"I am so sorry, Emma" pulling my best motherly symatheic voice, "what shall we do now?"

"Well," she says looking at me with those BIG blue eyes presenting a sense of hope for the loss of her dear friend, "I think we should have a funeral for him and maybe invite his family".

I agree with her, as the death of the invisible man is in the same category as a Shakespearean tragedy in this household. I tell her "lets get started".

She then looks at me with confusion and explains, "well how are we going to find him? His heart isn't going to beep and let us know where he is and he is an INVISIBLE man".

And with that, the mystery of the invisible man will never be solved as we cannot seem to locate his exact whereabouts.

RIP - Invisible Man -Wherever you May be!

Favorite Friday

2011-02-04T07:17:00.000-08:00

Such is the Life of a Sex Goddess...

So I thought about it and I really do live the life of a sex goddess who at any point in time can up and travel to see the wonders of the world, right from the comforts of my home. HOW? Just keep reading.

So you wish to see the Changing of the Guards in England? Who needs that when I have the changing of the sheets. Between the bed wetting and the throw up, heck this could be a daily occurrence. Feel free to stop by anytime for this magnificent encounter.
Niagara Falls? See the waterfall every 30 minutes with Emma during her potty training time. Heck, it happens in the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom. And for a twist... you never know when or where it will happen.
Imagine going to FAO in New York? OR you could come on down and see all the toys in our basement. Heck, we probably have a section for everything.
Travel to see the Great Barrier Reef? or you can see the great barrier of jackets that lay in my entry way. Much cheaper. They might claim to have 10,000 different species, but I claim to have at least 10,000 different shoes, Pokemon cards, gloves, hats, and other unidentifiable objects.
The Golden Temple is a hot spot, but I have 3 porcelain gods that have been graciously used by my daughter who is learning to transition from the pink portable toilet in the living room to these precious beings. Even my other kids are appreciating this site more.
VIVA LAS VEGAS, BABY or chance your luck at my house with my three kids. I am always playing a game of Russian Roulette when I forget my birth control and watch as my kids gamble away their existence by refusing to do many activities such as their daily chores, back talking, and the ever popular potty training.
Who needs the Taj Mahal when I have the Cluff Casa. It may not have a hybrid of artistic style and a river running along the side, but its home, its decorated and we have deer, dang it.
AHH, the great pyramids. This is an ever popular attraction at our house, even a hot topic of discussion with my husband. Feel free to see the "Great Pile of Laundry" that is sitting in the laundry room and now has trickled out into the hall. At this point, hiking tours are available and a necessity for those living in this area.
Hike Yosemite? Or Hike up and down the stairs trying to clean the house (make it even more of a challenge and bring your own vacuum)... we even have a basement so that is 3 rough trials for your hiking eadventure. Watch out for the wildlife, our cat and the falling rocks (or Star Wars characters, my little ponies, etc.), they get me on a constant basis and beware of the "loud language" that might fall at anytime. While you are at it hike all the way up the stairs and bring those toys right up to the rooms!
The warm close beaches of Hawaii would be nice. Yet, I find the same warmth and even more closeness in all my kids smooching into my bed in the middle of the night (though it isn't as relaxing on the body as laying on the beach) each coming in at individual times so I can consistently get a limited amount of sleep. You can expect great hospitality with a foot or hand constantly in your face and a volcano of sulfur on nights we eat beans for dinner.
Imagine seeing the Eiffel Tower in person!!! Even better, I have a lovely Diaper Tower that is now open for your viewing pleasure or at least until Thursday which is trash day. Same thing, but maybe a bit more stinky.

I guess I can't complain of not being able to vacation when I seem to be doing it on a daily basis.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-02T07:57:00.001-08:00

I am Your Wife, Not a Criminal...

2011-02-01T08:19:00.001-08:00

When I was 18 I started a quote book and wrote down every quote that I liked for the past 10 + years. On one of the first pages is a quote that says "You will never see your wife smile more pretty than she does for a traffic cop". While that may hold true in most marriages, mine it just won't work. We had been married for 9 years before Tyler decided he wanted to go back to his original plan when we first fell in love and become a police officer... which is great for me. I was raised to do what you want to do... Kinda like the Talladega Nights mentality of "I'm a winner and winners can do what they want"... well I guess exactly like that. So he became an officer and our arguments and activities have changed a tad bit since that happened (not like crazy hang cuff sex activities though, just the interrogations in our relationship).

I learned quickly though that being married to a cop isn't like somebody who is married to a 9 to 5 er. While you might have heard this before, being a cop is a lifestyle and something that is the family. I read once that police officers at home feel they, "must uphold professional demeanor and stifle feelings of anxiety, anger and frustration, a technique that often trickles into his off-duty personality.... he may shut down certain lines of communication." Now the stifle feelings and shut down lines of communications was something I signed up for when we got married. Hello, I thought that was the actual definition of my husband. I don't mind the late nights, sleeping alone or the missed holidays (actually I like my independence), it is the professional demeanor and commanding attitude that pisses me off. Police Officers demand respect making our arguments more of a challenge than a misunderstanding... I am not sure who the challenge is up for though: him or me??

Some might say I have a bit of a demanding, controlling, and dominating personality (I know, strange, but it has been said) but I am SO not one for being interrogated on what I am doing and why I am doing it. Not really going to fly in this household. So here you go honey. A few tips to help you maintain a more positive relationship off duty.

1- I will spend money and I will do it without telling you where why or when it is going to get done. I have handled the finances for the past 11 years... Just because criminals steal money, doesn't mean stealing is using the debit card at Maverick for a Diet Coke. Sometimes money does appear and disappear out of nowhere and I will spend it on frivolous artifacts.

2 - I lose my cell phone. It just disappears. POOF! On Sunday when I lost the phone and had everyone in a 15 minute panic until it was found IS the norm. If I don't answer the phone right away when you call... it is going to be okay. I am alive and well, but lost my phone. There is not need to call back and ask where I was and why I didn't answer the first time you called.

3- When I argue I am not going to have a solid point of why I am arguing. I am upset and that is it. I will take my emotions and thoughts back about 8 years or so and that is okay. We don't need to just focus on the one thing that tipped the scale of why I am crying. While it might work for you to be direct and calm with a bit of a smirk on your face with criminals... it will just make me more angry and more apt to losing all sense of control. I do not have a right to remain silent AND you cannot use everything that I say against me. We run a dictatorship, not a democracy. Plus, most of the time I don't even remember what I am saying.

4 - Something that has to be understood is that I am always right, but, in this regard, I need to be right in the sense that you really believe that I am right. While you may be right at work, that is fine because you have been given your time to be right during your work schedule. When you come home, I command the house. Yes, even police officers have to do the dishes and take out the trash. And while it is believed there is a ticket quote for officers, there is not quote on household duties that you will perform. And it is not considered community service when you pick up trash.

5 - This might come as a surprise, but communication is a two way street. You can't just ask a question and get a direct answer from me. Mostly because I don't really have one and need to run my mouth until I figure out what my actual point is. I am scatter brained and have ADHD, but remember that is one of the reasons why you fell in love with me and married me. Nothing will ever be black and white in this relationship, hopefully mostly pink. Saying things like "Fair? You want me to be fair?" doesn't gain you bedroom points.

SO I guess I am not the typical "cop" wife... which is a good thing, I think. Most people don't give an officer a run for there money though.

"It takes a strong wife to support her husband throughout his life... but it takes a STRONG Wife to support her husband while he protects the lives of others!"

2011-01-30T15:19:00.000-08:00

This is not your usually mommy blog. So move that mouse to the "vote for me" blinking light. Plus I know that money in this economy is TIGHT! Best of all the click below is totally free!

In This Economy Jobs are Needed

2011-01-28T07:26:00.001-08:00

If there are any takers, just let me know...

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will
include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
overnight travel required, including trips to primitivecamping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be
able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing
to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets andstuck zippers. Must screen phone calls,
maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all
ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will
help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life
if you play your cards right.

Pyscho Cheer Mom

2011-01-27T19:13:00.000-08:00

We’re cute,

We’re sexy,
We’re popular,
We’re hot.
We’re cheerleaders,
We’re out there
We’re everything you’re not …”

First off, cheer moms are crazy? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that sometimes it is a bit out of control. I mean, is it possible to have ANY more Lifetime movies on this subject?? Seriously, though, I totally understand, mainly because I am a cheer mom, by choice, but not one of those crazy cheer moms (or so I hope, I haven't put a hit on anybody yet, but Audrey is only 6). As much as every sporty parent says, "It doesn't matter if you win as long as you have fun," nobody wants their kid running around picking daisies on the football field and taking somersaults off the mat. See, cheer moms are worse than any other parent because to us cheerleading is unique unlike other sports where kids are required to be fast, fit, and ferocious, in addition, the girls are also expected to be perky and cute all while sporting the perfect round-off, back hand spring, back tuck. Cheerleading isn’t just a sport; it is a way of life. Though, I do miss the life of when I was a cheerleader and only had to do a freaking cartwheel and show up to the football games.

I understand the life, but I often wonder what stage of a cheer mom I am at. I don't want to go all Texas Cheer Mom on my daughter, but do get a twinge of panic when her three tier pyramid falls. Last time I was at a cheer competition I saw a lady sitting there on the bleachers with a smug smile wearing a big round button with her daughters picture on it and a t-shirt that says, "Proud mom of a MAC Cheerleader!" and having handwritten "captain" above it!. A bit of an over kill even for my overly Jazz Hands personality.

While I do not relish the thought of spending the rest of my child’s life sitting in bleachers suffering whatever potential weather conditions the universe cares to hurl at us; holding a video camera to capture the spunky one’s gyrations, kicks and yells; driving all over hell and back with at least six squealing cutie pies overtaking the radio controls of my vehicle, I will support my currently ecstatic daughter throughout her cheerleading career. What choice do I have? I kinda set myself up for this. Honestly, I am excited. While I can’t sport the “Cheerleaders do it Kicking” shirt, I can beam with pride as my baby makes it to Nationals... well maybe in a couple of years.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-26T08:26:00.001-08:00

"If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live." Happy birthday, Dr. King.

2011-01-15T14:24:00.000-08:00

I am the oldest of 10 kids, 8 are adopted. I remember when my sister, Becca, who is now 22 came home from preschool and said, "Did you know that because of Martin Luther King, Jr. you were able to adopt me (Becca is black)." So when this day of celebration does come around I do try to find new and exciting ways to teach my children the importance of acceptance in our society. This year I had a great lesson idea that really worked out well. And here it is...

Read the MLK, Jr. Children Picture Book

Following a discussion with the kids about how people are alike (we all have two eyes, we all have hair) and how we differ (blue eyes vs. brown eyes-long hair vs. short) show them a brown egg and a white egg. I like to hard boil the eggs. That way when I crap and peal them it doesn't make a big mess.

Discuss the similarities and differences in the eggs. (They are oval, they are different colors.)

Break each egg and dispose of shell. I then ask my kids how they are the same and how they are different... for the most part they say it is white and can't find a difference (Accept my son who always has something silly to say, like that one is shaped like an oval and the other a crooked circle -- He is 8 and humor hasn't reached his level of what is funny and what is not funny). I hide the eggs behind my back and ask if they can tell which is which?

No--because just like people, even though we may LOOK different on the outside, we're all the same on the inside! I then cut the egg in half and showed them the yoke. I had them put their hand on their heart and listen to their heart beating (or beeping -- Emma would say). In the inside we all look the same and we all have a core center which is our heart.

The message is very clear. While the eggs are different on the outside, they are the same on the inside, just like people.

My Prayer for the New Year

2011-01-13T12:18:00.000-08:00

Dear God:

For 2011, all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.

Amen

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-12T11:47:00.000-08:00

Desperate Housewives Influence...

2011-01-11T12:37:00.000-08:00

While this season of Desperate Housewifes started out horrible, I think the series is kicking it into full gear with the latest hilarious quotes and laughable moments. I swear I died when Rene said, "You guys are like the mean, pretty girls who won't let anyone sit at your lunch table". Mainly because I can relate. Not because I am or was the mean, pretty girl (we'll okay, I am pretty), but because as a mom I think I need a SOLID foundation of friendship to keep me going throughout the day, a clique (more or less) that I can count on to sit with my at a lunch table on a consistent manner. Seriously, carving out some time with BFF's is such a stress reliever and I think is overall healthy for my kids and my marriage. For example, my boob popped out at the gym last summer. K kindly told me to pull up my bathing suit top... I didn't even realize it was an entire flash session until I got a call from J later that night completely laughing and telling me that I had flashed everyone at the pool. But, that is true kinship... an embarrassing moment kept under wraps until you can laugh about it. Almost a year in a half later and I am still getting teased about it.

Sometimes you just need that additional backup from somebody you trust who can tell you that you are sane... and that is what I get from my little clique. While, I really like to have new friends, there is comfort in having a firm foundation of girlfriends and here is why...

1. because Girls Breakfast is SO MUCH cheaper than a therapist. I remember when Ty and I were in our 7 year itch and went to a therapist. It was expensive and lasted 3 sessions before we both realized that we just needed to talk or communicate with each other and we learned that we had to understand our self in order to understand each other and our marriage. We also figured out that we needed a way to vent our petty misunderstandings. Plus, the therapist spent most of the time trying to figure out me instead of our marriage. SO, once a week going to breakfast with my girlfriends really puts opens the lines of communication with my husband because I can better understand his crazy antics (like why he thinks that the unspoken rule of husband responsibilities are predetermined at birth are pure fallacy.. yes, dear ALL HUSBANDS TAKE OUT THE TRASH!). Overall, having somebody to vent with and laugh until you pee your pants can go along way in maintaining your sanity and your self understanding.

2. because My Kids Should NOT be Better Dressed than Me. That is right, when I actually know I have someplace important to go, I get dressed. Even if I am running to McDonalds playplace... I am not going to wear my pink flannel pj bottoms because I would MORTIFY my girlfriends. Whether it is the movies, dinner, anyplace with adult contact, I will pull out the big guns to get out of my sweats and put on some makeup. Let's face it, I live in a botox, seven jean, fake Gucci bags world and I am not going to be the slacker -- Yes, I will keep up with the Jones (to some extent, I am super cheap). Plus, this teaches my kids that taking care of yourself and your appearance is important.

3. because Someday My Kids WILL grow up and My Husband WILL Retire. Let's face it, we are living on borrowed time with our kids and while laying there clothes out each morning, big hugs when they wake up, and snotty nose wiping may be my daily routine, being a mom and having a life outside of my family is important. Plus, I don't want my kids growing up thinking they have a boring mom (well, I am not sure that is the right word because my house is like a freaking party in a box), but that it is okay to develop relationships other than with siblings. I can't stress of building friendships with my kids. When Ben is mean to his BFF I simply say "Would I say that to Kayley or Jenna? He sees how I deal with my friendships and can relate that in his life. And while I love my husband to death, he does go to work and I get my daily routines done, he will someday be home all day and we will need to find outside interests besides watching TV. Why not DATE NIGHT with the locals?

Now going back to my confession as a 30 ish mom, really what I have learned that I missed out in my 20's as a new mom is that I need friends. I need contact with other people that I can say stupid things or yell at a man at Maverick and just have them laugh and smile because -- that is just Debbie. While it is IMPORTANT to be a wife and mom, it is also IMPORTANT to be yourself and having a bunch of girlfriends reminds me of who I am. After all, aren't we all just a bunch of desperate housewives?!

To My Sister Katie

2011-01-10T07:36:00.000-08:00

Somebody once said that, “One writes best about what they know of.” And with that I introduce, my sisters. I wrote this about 9 years ago when I was living in Utah without any family. The names have been changed, I don't remember why... but here is to you Katie.

“Mom...Mom”, cried Anne in the middle of the night, “Mom, she came again. She told me that she will find a way to be my sister and that I am going to just have to wait. She said it wouldn’t be long”. The frantic 4-year-old snuggled against her mother’s chest and quickly fell back asleep. Rae knew what her only child was talking about. 4 nights in a row it had been the same scenario. Anne had woken up, hysterical speaking of her best friend, a red head and green eyes, named Evelyn, who she played with in heaven. This revelation was amazing. Anne’s, “soul sister”, her eternal playmate, which for some reason was having problems getting into this family and Rae knew why. Rae sighed,in the past 4 years, she had miscarried 6 times. Evelyn could have easily been one of the spirits who were desperately trying to come into this family. It broke her heart to see her only daughter so discouraged about something that was so far out of her hands. With Anne fast asleep, Rae went back to bed, not knowing the things that were to come. She lay next to her sleeping husband, Stewart, and fell asleep thinking of what to do.

It was raining really hard when the phone rang. “Hello”, said Anne, “Hi grandpa. Is it true. It is a girl! Hold on.” Anne quickly ran to get her mother. Rae had been waiting for this telephone call for some time. A few months early she had thought she had miscarried again when her father called and said some lady in his ward was pregnant and looking to put the child up for adoption. 6 month pregnant, Rae, and Stewart quickly jumped on this opportunity and awaited the arrival of there new daughter. “Hi Dad”, said Melanie, “We will be on the next plane out...okay...bye.” They quickly bored a plane and flew to Mesa to get there new daughter. When they walked into the hospital, the nurses quickly escorted them to the baby nursery and pointed out the most beautiful green eyes, red haired baby. Stewart whispered to Rae, “Evelyn”. Thus making there family almost complete, so they thought.

Be Well: The Perks of Caffeine

2011-01-09T11:41:00.000-08:00

I was just reading the Woman's Day Magazine and this current article caught my eye. It says:

The next time you head starts pounding you could reach for a pill -- or just pour yourself a cup of joe. Caffeine helps fight headaches by increasing dopamine, a chemical that causes pleasurable sensations that counteract the pain". It then goes on to explain, "Caffeine also constricts swollen blood vessels in the brain that associated with certain types of headaches like migraines. To reap this benefit, limit your usual intake to one strong cup of coffee per day; when a headache kicks in, a second cup should make you feel better. So a cup of coffee has about 100 grams of caffenine and since I don't drink coffee I have to supplement the difference in another product.

So let's me break this down. I wake up every morning with 3 headaches; Ben, Audrey and Emma (and occasionally one husband headache). In order for ME to fight this headache and increase my dopamine, I need a chemical that causes pleasurable sensations. Simple : Diet Coke... SO as per the recommendation of my doctor, Robert Kaniecki, MD, Director of the Headache Center at the University of Pittsburg, I will then increase my Diet Coke intake, later in the day, to make me feel better. All in favor, say "AYE".

AYE!

Seriously, if I had known that I had a medication condition that insisted that I drink a few Diet Cokes a day, my life would have been much easier.

About me...

2011-01-07T07:23:00.001-08:00

Since I am turning the big 3-5 in 16 days (who is counting?!), but with that comes people who use to know me, do know me, or kinda know me. So I made a list of 10 things most people don't know about me. This way when I print my blog to a book and save it on my bookshelf at least my kids will be able to read about me.

I met my husband while he was serving an LDS mission, 8 months later we were married. I think that is funny, others don’t. Usually a conversation stopper.
I am super smart, have my Master’s Degree and all, but that is book smart and what I don’t have is common sense whatsoever. Like none. Really none. I know when I have asked a dumb question when my husband just stares at me and doesn’t answer.
We have had 8 cats in our marriage, all named O’Malley, most of which I picked up from a box of kittens in front of Target. It is easier on the kids when we get rid of a cat because they know the next O’Malley will be coming back. I like kittens, not cats. They always grow into cats.
I have a horrible obsession of keeping the house clean, but for some reason it is not noticeable until about 9 pm when I clean the house and then it is dirty before anybody comes over.
I love to watch General Hospital… to the extreme that the General Hospital Happenings Site is one of the first things I look up on the internet in the morning. Just to check if anybody is dead or going to die, of course!
I hate bubblegum. Hate it. The smell makes me sick. Sometimes I am polite and eat the piece of bubble gum when people give it to me to be nice, but the whole time I am holding back vomit.
I like to drink Diet Dr. Pepper, then Diet Pepsi, then Diet Coke. To me, Diet Coke is slang for a drink. Like “hey let’s go get a coke”. I think it is a cultural thing based in Los Angeles, but I could be wrong. Might go back to the whole, no common sense thing.
I have brown hair, just brown. I always want to have black hair so people will think of me as Snow White. I even have a red bow. Sometimes I dye it black and then it goes back to brown. Just brown, always brown.
I have ADD, people always think I am joking when I say that, but I am not. I really have it… like doctors note and all. My husband forgets this and still gets mad at me. Maybe I will tape the note to the fridge so he will cut me some slack, but I doubt that.
I am freaked out by mice. They just freak me out. Like can’t breath, sit on the counter for 45 minutes freak out. Full fledge panic attacks sink in. I don’t know why, but they do.

I heard it through the Grapevine... Singing Optional!

2011-01-06T15:00:00.001-08:00

Ever since I was in High School I remember having a bit of a feminist side. While we did celebrate every third Thursday of the month as Men are Scum Days (My poor father), I hope over the years I have toned down on the way I handle my thoughts in that respect. I do remember that my father in law told my husband when we were first married “You are going to have to keep her under control” were as my husband replied “I don’t think that is possible”.

But, overall, I do think with all my strange antics and ideas towards men and women in my younger days, the most important aspect is that women hold the power, especially mothers. Honestly, we moms are the ones that buy the products, handle the money, etc and my mom always said that what women do best they do “through the grapevine” But really this whole “heard it through the grapevine” is something that women do to share or “be sure” that the information isn’t, well crap. The biggest example of this is all the Mommy Bloggers and Freebie sites that you can Google.

So today, mothers, women, etc. I am sharing some of my secret information with you that I am sure I have gotten through the grapevine from one or another. I guess it is my way of connecting with people while I am doing laundry much like the women who would talk over hanging their laundry outside.

First, Method Spray. LOVE IT! My BFF, Jenna, told me about this brand called Method that you get at Target. It smells heavenly and makes my granite countertop shine like the top of the Chrysler building (thank you,Annie!). AND even better it is something natural so I think that means if the kids spray it in there eyes we don’t have to run them to the ER?! I was actually talking to Leah yesterday, http://freutcake.com (another must visit), about this spray. They even have this pink one that smells like grapefruit and one for the horrible stainless steel (which they might not get stains, but why don’t fingerprints count in that category?). Plus anything pink that sprays totally will rock my mommy world.

Next, my favorite thing in the world has to be the Dyson. I know, it is such an old school product, but I just got one for Christmas and my mind races about the countless things it can do around the house. So far, I have cleaned the entire downstairs without changing plugs, vacuumed the dog hair AND the dog. I can’t wait for the weather to heat up (yes, lets make it above the 30’s) so I can vacuum out the car. Imagine all the French fries, happy meal toys, and other wonders that will disappear! I bought the yellow one, mainly because my brother in law, Noah, said they are all the same accept for the different attachments. I need the workout, so I opted OUT for the attachments. I hate to say it, but I really hadn't lived until I got this 2 weeks ago. So if you don’t have, get it. Remember, this is my birthday month so it is OK to treat yourself! Actually I found the best time to get one for super cheap is during black Friday… so I guess you can wait, but start saving now! I got mine for $230.00 at Target, or so I think.

Have you been to Tulle4us.com? AMAZING! This jacket is on sale now for only $40!I am usually pretty intimidated by these trendy stores that are SUPER expensive…and NO DOUBT this is one of those stores. It is like a little boutique you would just go in and window shop, but they have the MOST AMAZING sales. I got a white winter jacket there for $20 at the end of the season. So while the shop may seen, well a bit expensive, go straight to the sales section, do not stop at go do not collection $100, and sign up for the emails. This is where I get the sales. At the end of winter, they put almost everything on sale for about $5… can’t beat that at any hometown boutique! It like a Jackie O outfit on a Walmart Budget (I would like to ad that in no way do I condone shopping at Walmart, just go to Target or the Dollar Store, it is always too crowded)!

My final favorite grapevine advice is to go to DealstoMeals.com.

My cousin Tiffany who is an amazing saver told me about this and the best part is that you can price match EVERYTHING at Walmart (though I don't like Walmart and don't do that, you totally can). This site is the bomb shiggity bomb of saving money and feeding the family gourmet meals. It is $4.95 a month and these ladies give you a complete menu for your family, what to eat and do it based on sale items in your area. They shop the ads, they compare the prices, and then they design both a weekly grocery list and a really good meals from what is on sale. While I can say I was an avid coupon shopper like 2 years ago, that lasted about 5 minutes. Let’s face it. I am a neat freak that hates to have a mess and things in the house that don’t have a spot. I tried to cut the coupons and save the newspapers and you know what it brought me? A HUGE HEADACHE! The papers ended up in a box, the coupons where all over the house and by the time I was able to go to the grocery store, it wasn’t worth it. Time is Money to me and my coupon shopping doesn’t pay me enough to do. On that note, I found this site, don’t have to use coupons, shop the ads and it is just a few simple click and print.

So there you have it, use it wisely and as Yoda would say “May the Force Be With You”. Got any other ones for me?

What I know for sure about 2011 and my New Years Resolutions

2011-01-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

The New Year is like a rebirth for us mothers… a time when we can reflect on our mistakes throughout the past 12 months and vow to become a new mom, a super mom, in the next few days. We put together a list of mental and physical activities with great detail confessing our top sins and plans to over come them. But, by March, the battle of new mom versus old mom is lost, we feel like a bunch of losers for, once again, not being able to keep a promise.

One might ask, WHY?! Why do we always fail in our quests for rebirthing a new year and becoming the moms we see in the neighborhood? We’ll it is because we overestimate ourselves and wish to resolve the wrong issues. Let’s face it, we have eaten our way through 2010 and it isn’t just going to just magically stop because we stay up past midnight. While it would be nice to be one of “those moms” who has quiet authority over her children it is just not something realistic with my lifestyle.

Plus it is a total drag to give up bad habits that took a good year to install! So, I suggest, let’s give ourselves a break. Life is tough, the economy is bad (we are in a freaking recession!) and setting myself up for failure should not be in the daily routine of 2011. This years resolutions have to set us up for success and the most successful resolutions are those that are SUPER vague, something that we will be doing anyways, and something that we really really want to do (no, sorry, we really don’t want to get up at 5 am and do P90X).

While you are brainstorming your ideas here are a few of mine. Wish me luck…

To stop asking stupid questions like “Did you flush the toilet” or “Did you unload the dishes” or “How many times do I have to tell you”? Instead I am going to command attention from my children “FLUSH THE TOILET”! “UNLOAD THE DISHES” “I AM ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE”. While they might just laugh, at least I can say I did it.
To keep a stash of Diet Coke in the pantry hidden from my husband and children for emergency anti-stress applications. Though I am now calling the local 7-11 my “mommy cave”.
To maintain a permanent chore chart list so Ben and Audrey don’t keep fighting about whose day it is to do the dishes or who needs to feed the dog. It will be SET in STONE until 2012.
To NEVER, EVER take my kids with me to the grocery store. Enough said.
I will spend less time yelling (this does come with a disclaimer... unless the situation demands a good yelling for example when the kids walk across the floor I just mopped). So it is LESS time yelling, not totally not yelling.
I resolve that my house will never be a house free of clutter, thus I resolve to ignore my husbands comments that the house is a always a mess.
Stop screaming “What? What did you say?” when my kids are suppose to be in bed, but trying to find a way to maintain constant communication with me.
Stop asking, “Why is every light in this house turned on?” and instead charging them for the electricity.
Superglue the gloves to my son’s hands so they actually make it to school and home, in the same day.
Finally, I will exercise patience and control my temper when I meet dumb people (especially fat men at Maverick who hit my car door and then try to blame me for what happened. Only to cause me to escalate into a roaring fit, call my husband, and explain to the police officer why I hate dealing with fat, egotistical men).

We’ll there you have it, resolutions I can live with and actually have a good feeling about. Maybe I should of added work on procrastination because it is the 2^nd and I am just making my list… but then again New Years was on a Saturday and we should ALWAYS start things on a Monday. Heck, I might just resolve these all in January and have to add the get my kids a pet resolution....

Twas the Night Before the Night Before Christmas...

2010-12-23T22:36:00.001-08:00

Twas the night before the night before Christmas and all through the houses mother were shopping online for the perfect gift blouse… Well maybe not a blouse, but it did rhyme!

I have to say it this year, “Bah Humbug”. I am starting to wonder if maybe Mr. Scrooge had it right. Now ordinarily I LOVE LOVE Christmas. I get so excited when the day after Thanksgiving I can walk into any store and hear “those sleigh bells ringing”. I print out my Christmas List early so everything is done and prep the kids on how to smile in pictures and what to say when the in-laws start to hand out the red reindeer sweaters. Every house we pass that has a Christmas Lights a blazing, my kids and I ooh and ahh!

Then it hit, a couple of weeks ago, it was all fun and games as I woke up early to head out for the last minute Black Friday sales. Then the calendar started to fill up with seasons greetings, Christmas parties, Christmas sings, dance recitals, husband work party and the snow started falling (literally, we are in Utah). And seriously how can any parent stay sane at this point with a 2 hour dance Christmas Grinch dance performance?

It isn’t that my standards are set super high for this holiday (though my husband just texted me and asked if I was going to cry because he only got me one present). I know I will never have the perfect Martha Stewart tree and the stockings all hung on the mantle with care. But the pressure is ON, like donkey kong, to make this the “happiest place on earth” in my house on the 25^th. You see my kids know Disneyland, oh they know it well, and that is some high expectations. I blame the television and all the ads that blast daily in our house for setting the limit as unreachable. My four year old asks for a different toy everyday and most of the time I have no idea what she is talking about (what the heck are Zoobles??).

Year after year, I have to remind myself that it really isn’t all the stuff and the parties and my high strive for excellence that counts. Ben still talks about how every year we go and see the lights at Thanksgiving Point and going to my parents house for the annual Christmas Eve gift exchange. Audrey loves it that we open pj’s the night before. And Emma, well, she has no idea what is going on, but mark my words she will remember something non materialistic!

Now to all those last minute shoppers, I had forgotten that doing isn’t as important as savoring the memories. So it is December 23^rd… I might still have time to save the holiday (heck, scrooge did!). Time for me to do less, rein in on the reindeer's, reduce my stress and with that my kids and husband will actually be able to see a more relaxed and calm Mom. Maybe the media does have it right, that would be “the most happiest place on earth” for my family.

The Annual Family Newsletter of 2010

2010-12-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

My wonderful Christmas Miracles. Merry Christmas!

Dear Friends and Families

Merry Christmas! We pretty much had the perfect 2010 and I so can’t wait to share everything that added to this perfection over the past year! Super excited about 2011!

First, Emma started preschool and I must confess that her preschool teacher has expressed how academically advanced she is. It seems she is an overachiever who constantly listens so well to whatever her teacher has to say (especially when the teacher shouts up to her father “get down here now and handle this!). I must confess though, she might be a bit biased. She rocks in subjects like Counts to Ten, Holds Scissors Correctly, and Gallops. I'm telling you, this girl is going places! Tyler and I must be the most BRILLANT parents cause how else would you explain that?!

Emma dabbled a bit in cheer, but after two classes decided her passion is in dance, the kind that lasts about 45 minutes instead of 2 hours, twice a week. During her dance performance, I was inspired how she moved in that manner and maintained such pristine composure. Some might think she had a little stage fright, but I know it was just her passion for the arts and her unique style of presentation. On that note, she is dedicated to making new friends and talking to anybody that is close. Just a few months ago she was talking to the Vietnamese family who lives across the street. They asked if she wanted some supreme pizza and she told them “No, I only eat normal food, cheese pizza”. Luckily they don’t speak English, but that still doesn’t stop her from sharing her views and opinions on everything making her quite eloquent in her speech. Recently, she had two adorable twins growing in her tummy… Zac and Kate and Good Luck Charlie. They are very hungry all the time and usually demand some sort of sweets. And I might add that they are NOT happy if they don’t get what they want. We all try to accommodate to these adorable twins!

Next, Audrey begun the 1^st grade. I hate to admit that her teacher (who is not as biased as Emma’s) said she was her favorite. But who can resist Audrey’s calm demeanor which MUST have come from the Bluth side genes. Cause if you have heard it once, you have heard it twice, that Bluth line is calm and stable. Thanks Mom for sending that perfection gene down the line! Audrey also has learned the art of utilizing her resources. A couple of months ago she asked for a makeup kit and I had to decline due to the makeup disaster of 2009. She then brought me the phone and calmly explains that she is going to call Aunt Beth, “she is a sucker for me.” This ideology must have come from Tyler’s side of the family.

Overall, Audrey likes to spend her days doing back hand springs. If she is not reading a book, you will find Audrey drawing… on the walls, the car, her sister. The greatest joy of this is that to Audrey the world really is her canvas… too bad her dad is having a hard time understanding her creative expression. Her art teacher has commented that she just sits and stares at Audrey when she is coloring. I wish I could do that because it would help with a lot of the cleanup I do (thank heavens for Magic Erasers!) I guess you can say Audrey is able to keep her art in meaningful and manageable places. How can we deny her that? I have always wondered if she was switched at birth because God could not have purposely given me such a good kid.

Ben has hit the third grade with avenges and is a bit of jokester, well at least he thinks he is. He is mostly stuck in the house with 3 other girls who don’t seem to understand or appreciate the sense of humor of a 8 year old boy. Call it crazy, but sometimes we don’t appreciate being shot by a fake gun when we turn the corner or being hit in the head by a flying football. But, he is perfect and allows us to simple remember the difference between the genders. And for that reason, we let him slide with the Legos on the floor and the toilet seat up. Mark Twain once wrote, "There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life that he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure” and lucky for me, most of his “boys will be boys” attitude means the house is staying very clean. Thanks Ben, the toilets are SPOTLESS! Ben also got baptized and is now putting his new outlook on life to use. He is understanding choice and accountability more now and really is learning life lessons on how to choose the right. Lucky for us, we get to put those principles in action quite a bit!

Along with his great attitude, Ben handled his 2^nd year of Football. I would like to add that I definitely can take account for his stealth ninja moves on the field. Overall, the saying is true. Boys do love their Mommies and life is never dull with this one in our house! He has recently decided it was time for him to start making money (SO the Roberts side) and has invested his time in planning and preparing a Lego Club over the holidays. This goes along with him trying to sell water balloons over the summer. Hey, he made $10 bucks doing that.Not only that, but he lost a tooth! The first in our house at age 8... way to make the big bucks Ben!

Speaking of Stealth Ninja moves, Tyler is doing great. Basically his life is like one big game of cops and robbers. If he isn’t at work, he is hanging out with me or the kids and we are usually in bed by 9 (I guess we partied to hard when we were first married and now are just pooped). He likes to think he is in charge of things and I let him think that way. Someday he might realize this, but I doubt it. I think the longer we are married the more we act alike. I said that is good news for him, but he says it is good news for me.We took a family trip to California which was wonderful, as always. No matter what they say spending 10 hours straight in a car with your spouse is such great quality time and one the list of priceless experiences.

Did I mentioned we moved? Then moved again?

As for me, I am great. Though I do sometimes feel like I am stuck in the night before Christmas poem that goes like this, “Twas the Night before Christmas and all through the house, not a person was listening, not even the spouse”. In my quest for being the ultimate entrepreneur I have decided to invest in the following ideas: an invisible fence around the bathroom, GPS for my phone, a Mischief Sniffer that will enable me to know when their kids begin to cause trouble, and a mommy reminder to not forget early outs at school. Overall, I am thankful for two things my family and Tivo for without both I might just have more sense of reality.

Well hopefully 2011 will be just as perfect as 2010. May your days be filled with the ability to watch cartoons on Saturday morning and dance around the house to the Spice Girls.

Dear Santa

2010-12-14T18:43:00.001-08:00

Dear Santa – Here is my Christmas List

I hope you’ll be able to assist

You see, please bring them all,

My husband just couldn’t seem to find them at the mall.

I would like to have my own king size bed,

That includes a pillow for just my single head.

You see, dear Santa, it may seem,

My kids are unable to have a good dreams.

Without adding trouble I need this to include a full night’s sleep,

You must understand I know what I am asking for is pretty steep.

Also, I need to have a long, hot shower,

One that is not included in my families “rush hour”.

My showers, dear Santa, will have to envision

Includes residue from the table and my parent supervision.

With hands flaring around and kids kicking and screaming,

My shower time consists of much parental scheming.

Now I am not asking for magical unicorns, a wand or a clown,

The next thing I need is the disappearance of these unwanted pounds.

In that small request I have to inquire,

If no working out or food deprivation can be required?

It is quite simple, for Christmas I want those pounds to simply melt away,

Heck, I am sure you can easily fit that simple enough in your sleigh.

Strange enough, I remember putting this on my list last year,

I guess there was mis-communication and I wasn’t very straightforward or clear.

I would simply like to go to the bathroom alone,

Somehow we need to make this a kid free zone.

For it seems that as I walk towards the bathroom door,

A loud alarm is sounded and POOF the kids start to roar.

Now, if this last gift request does seem a bit difficult or unfair,

I can settle each morning to brush my teeth and comb my hair.

Of course, the weight of all these things might cause your sleigh bells not to ring.

If that's the case, dear Santa, I do not want you to crash,

so please feel free to just bring me some cash.

And here is what he responded...

I thought you haven’t been naughty, but nice.

But I called your husband and he checked his list even twice.

So all the way from the cold North Pole

All I could get you is this bag of coal.

- Santa

Vote for My Blog

2010-08-31T20:50:00.000-07:00

Okay all you Mommy's. I really need your help. All the mommy bloggers out there seem to think in order to be a great mom you have to add some bad words and crude comments. Help me get my ranking up and all you have to do is simply click on the link below. Nothing to fill out, nothing more to do! And then feel free to use the back button and come join me as a mother of imperfections in a perfect world.

Simply click the link as many times as you want :)

Why I should of NEVER let my Diaper Bag Go!

2010-08-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

My kids are 4, 6 and 8. Well out of diapers, thank you very much. (See? IT IS TRUE. No one goes to high school in diapers!) But that did not keep me from grabbing a cool diaper bag out of a pile of clothes during a yard sale, and squealing with delight.

I mean, it still had the tags on it, for heaven’s sake.

To be honest, at first I didn’t realize that it was a diaper bag – but then, I started to notice some things. Like, the thermal bottle pockets on the sides. And some accessories that were attached to the bag with one of those plastic tag-thingies. And instead of recoiling and dropping that bag like a hot potato, I inspected it further. And that is when I realized: diaper bags (much like maternity clothes) have gotten better with time (I remember when I brought Ben home from the hospital and actually used the ones they gave me for the first 4 months... YIKES! Remember the pastel animals and the alphabet letters). This one is a basic red with a faux leather black trim. It is not made of plastic (though it does have rubber on the bottom which is fine with me – the bottoms of my bags always get filthy and beat up) and is not pastel or covered with teddy bears or the name of a formula company. It’s simply a nice lightweight water-resistant swag bag that is TOTALLY AWESOME. Just like I can no longer live without baby wipes (seriously, what did I DO before baby wipes??) I have decided that I also need to keep a diaper bag at the ready.

So next month, when I get in the car to drive to California with the kids, I am rocking the diaper bag. I am forgoing my fancy-pants designer luggage for a red diaper bag I found at a yard sale. Don’t believe me? Here are some things that I love about diaper bags, that could possibly ensure that I have one in my closet until the end of time:

1. Those thermal bottle pockets.

Listen. They keep cold water bottles cold during an afternoon out. They keep my lipbalm from melting. They are awesome.

2. The changing pad.

Okay, I admit….a harder thing to repurpose. BUT if you have ever had to sit on a rocky park bench or on a damp football field, you will know the benefit of having a padded plastic barrier between your butt and the ground.

3. The fancy zipper access.

My brand new diaper bag – I MEAN SWAG BAG – has a zipper going all the way down the back between the two shoulder straps. So I can take this bad boy off, and unzip it right down the middle to locate whatever has fallen to the bottom – my phone or sunglasses or the lip balm I forgot to put in the thermal pocket.

4. Serious pocket action.

Inside, outside, waterproof, breathable mesh, see through……..the list of pockets goes on and on….like the list of stuff I need to put in them. I love me some pockets. Diaper bags have them in spades. Pockets for my laptop, pens, hi-lighters, cellphone, charger, cans of diet coke, Disneyland tickets, and all of the other necessities that I drag along with me on my adventures.

5. The “wet items” bag.

Just because we are all potty trained, does not mean we don’t have accidents. Ahem.

I could go on and on. But I won’t, because I have to go play with my new diaper bag I MEAN SWAG BAG.

Booty Trap: My Bathroom is Under Surveillance

2010-08-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

My toilet seat is booty trapped.

There have been clues all along, but I just put two and two together. Every time I sit down on the toilet my kids are alerted and suddenly I am bombarded with children banging on the door, barging in and shouting "Mommy, I need you." "Mom, where are you?" and "MOOOOOOOOM! Do you know what Ben did?"

Seriously. It’s an ambush.

They could have been playing in their rooms, quiet and content for hours. They could be out in the playroom deeply enmeshed in a game of Super Mario Kart. Heck, they could be down the block at a neighbor's house! But the second my butt hits that toilet seat they come running.

I'm not sure if the alarm is depressed by sitting, or if there is a motion sensor, so I decided to check this out. I examined my toilet. I lifted the seat, I waved my hand over the bowl, I even looked under rim. Nothing. I pressed my kids for answers. "What have you done to my toilet?" I asked. They stared at me with blank faces. Emma giggled. I'm on to them.

I'm not sure if they don wireless receivers that buzz them the moment my behind hits the seat or if there is some high-pitched sound - one that can only be heard by dogs and children under 9 - that is emitted the second my buns are exposed above the bowl.

Either way, it is an effective system that alerts them to my whereabouts - letting them know I am not busy on the computer, not cooking dinner, and hence completely available to them for conversation. A captive audience so to speak. I would love to find the device and deactivate the alarm. To make it so that when I enter the bathroom it is the bastion of peace and solitude it used to be - before they installed the system.

If I could only find the little bugger!

Last night we went to a friend's house for dinner. Afterwards, nature called, the kids were all engaged in games, movies or playing with the dogs outside.

As I sat down I thought "Ahhhh...peace and quiet." Sure enough "Thump, thump, thump, thump..." I hear my son coming up the stairs and he's calling for me. "Mom???? When's dessert?"

I couldn't believe it.

Clearly their toilet's booty trapped too.

The Overall Misconceptions of Moms and Back-to-School

2010-08-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

Oh, yes it is... that time of year!! Happy School Starting Month!

Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to school

Seriously. I’ve had enough of you by now. Every morning with the “what are we going to do today, Mom?” is finally over. I’ve had looked at your faces twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It’s time to go learn something other than how to drive your mother to drinking (Diet Coke, of course). No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you have a late night with Elle and watch a movie. It’s over….You’re going back to School and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it’s called “back to school”.

Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.

Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes?...so I can rack up a 200 dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers but never seem to use?? Why does it have to be new pencils? What’s wrong with the chewed up, broken Princess Aurora pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn’t mind so much….why not pencils, erasers, Thunder Down Under Tickets and Diet Coke …..or some Nyquil.

Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night

Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You’re the teacher…I’m the parent…. Congrats on Taking my kids off my hands for mostly the entire week! My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can’t get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I’m pretty old school. If he doesn’t listen to you…you can throw something at him, beatings are ok. I don’t care. But I got a lot of work to do at home and I’m paying a babysitter right now to watch my kids so by the time I do get home they will NOT be in bed and WILL wake up cranky in the morning. Plus, I’m pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I’ve never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We’re all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah Blah. Can I leave now?

Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.

How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn’t have a nickname….call her “Steve” for all I care. We don’t have any “special circumstances” that you need to know about. They live in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight, mostly when the husband is at work and the wife is having a freak out over football practice. If that qualifies as a reason they can’t get the homework done on time then they won’t be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to “educate” them on that life lesson. I like to call this multi-tasking

Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky paper.

What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain or will my children be sliding with them in the snow? Or will the children bedrinking soda and eating soup during class? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I’m covering it the old way…brown paper bags, so environmentally friendly. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can’t multitask?
PS. Please tell my son if he can’t find his lunch to look in his science book.

Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework

What? I am scared out of my mind. I’m pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in second grade by the time I was in third grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don’t really know my 12 times tables, I read the cliff notes to all the summer reading and I don’t know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song “conjunction junction what’s your function” if that helps at all. And please don’t even say the words “new math” to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?

Misconception Number 7: Moms can’t wait to pack your lunch every day until we die.

I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bain of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of “mom fun”, lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with…I’m sure someone likes sardines or learn to LOVE the cafeteria. Whatever... you are out of my area of control during that time... do what you must and may the force be with you.

Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.

I don’t know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your butts around town at all different time schedules. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn’t at 10:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it “after-hours activities” so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don’t worry about us though I’m sure that me and “what’s his name” will be married a very long time… heck, we have lasted 10 years already.

Misconception Number 9: Unmitigated fundraising that begins as soon as school starts

How much wrapping paper, chocolates, kitschy crafts can I buy to win that BIG PRIZE? Doesn’t it seem like all of a sudden NOBODY is home in the neighborhood during this time?

Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school
We do cry but they are tears of joy and an overwhelming feel of happiness for this “Miracle” of a day. I have done my job and worked hard for 3 months. I have successfully kept my human children alive for at least 4 to 8 years without doing any major damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEO’s run million dollar businesses but…you teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you’ve made the world a better place.

And now I am off to do what all mom's do when the kids go back to school...

Best Quote Ever!

2010-07-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

Whatever Lindsay Lohan... I'd give my right arm for solitary confinement right now.

Why Mom's Take their kids Swimming....

2010-07-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

This is my view from my seat at the gym pool we go to at least three times a week. If you could see a panorama view, you would notice no kids around and my big fat diet coke sitting next to me. Three hours of heavenly bliss we can spend here while I soak up the cancer rays and chat with my best girlfriends. This is what summer is all about.

Yes, I said it...

2010-07-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

I was at the pool with Jenna a couple of days ago and Gabe was saying he wanted to put his feet in the water while they waited for the “water break” to end. Jenna told him that he wasn’t suppose to do that because it was against the rules. He then explained that other kids were doing it so why couldn’t he. I then said, “So if the other kids were jumping off the Empire State Building, would you want me to let you do it too?”… Classic mom move. Jenna and I laughed.

It got me thinking about things my mom said, that I thought were TOTALLY LAME, but for some reason she always pulled off with a very serious face and I always felt like “gosh dang it” she is right my “socks are not going to pick themselves up” and I guess I “should play outside, it is a beautiful day”. Her “catch phrases” never made complete sense (like “Shut the door! I'm not heating (air conditioning) the entire neighborhood!” or “Close the door! You don't live in a barn”. Duh, she knows we are not in a barn and who has barns in Southern California??? Where was she going with that one?), but she always found a way to throw them into some sort of example when I didn’t seem to make the right choice.

At that moment, at the pool, I got it. She wasn’t telling me those things because it was suppose to be common knowledge or really make sense, she was telling me those things so that when I became 34, with 3 kids, and I am at the pool with my friends I could tell them to my kids and then get a good laugh with my girlfriends behind their backs. Genius.

So here are a list of classics every mom should be using on a daily basis, first to confuse the children and get them logically thinking and then to call your best friend and laugh…

All I do is follow you around, picking up after you like some maid. (Seriously?? Who has a real maid and I always thought, as a kid, that I was the maid)

Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident. (Isn’t that her responsibility to make sure I have clean underwear?? Why put that responsibility on me??)

Don't ask me WHY. The answer is NO. (This is my all time FAVORITE to use on my kids. Mostly because I don’t know why, but the answer is just no).

Don't sit too close to the television, it'll ruin your eyes. (Has anybody goggled this to find out if this is really true? I think it is just a way to get the kids attention).

Go to your room and think about what you did! (By the time I walked up to my room, I would have already forgotten what I did, then I would have to spend the next hour trying to figure out what she thought I did.)

I would have never talked to MY mother like that! (HA… yeah right)

If you don't stop crying, I am going to give you something to cry about!

If you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick to play outside.

It's no use crying over spilt milk. (Really, bringing milk into this??)

Now, say you're sorry...and MEAN it! (How can you say sorry and mean it when you don’t??)

Put that down! You don't know where it's been! (So true and as a mother, you don’t know where it has been)

What did I say the FIRST time? (Classic, I can’t remember exactly what I said, but maybe you will)

What part of NO don't you understand?

When I was your age, I had to walk ten miles through the snow, uphill, by myself, to go to school. (Yeah, I never got this one considering my parents grew up in Sunny Santa Monica).

You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you.

You can't find it? Well, if you'd put things where they belonged, you wouldn't have this problem.

Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!

With that, please, use at least once of these, once a day and report back to my blog.

Setting My Mothering Priorities Straight... Dang, I am good.

2010-06-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: It's my version of things, and in my version, I cannot be bound by the requirement of complete accuracy.

Seriously?? I have to confess… Shh, don’t tell anybody, but for some gosh for shaken reason I am pretty shocked at my mothering skills and how dang good they are prioritized on a daily basis. To tell you the truth, I actually suck at a lot of things, but for the most part, I have to say I do have my priorities straight about being a mother.

For example, today at the pool I chased Emma down with a can of sunscreen kicking and screaming, grabbed her in a monkey hold and sprayed her from head to toe... only slightly hitting the lady out tanning at the edge of the pool. Lack of cancer priority at it's best. CHECK.

You see, in my world, it's all about having your daily priorities in order if you want to chalk up points with the mothering skills, and getting my whites whiter than white is never, ever going to be a top priority. Helping my girls paste glitter to their artwork, even if it is on the wall, that's a top priority. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom to get a bit of peace and quiet, everyone needs to escape now and then, but this is acceptable, for a mother who has her priorities in line. But then, do I really have my priorities in tact as a woman, wife and mother??

With that, I thought I would see what the professionals think of mothers and their priorities. I decided to look up some simple steps to providing sanity and prioritize myself as a mother… Here you go, the first one is great. Dr. Phil suggests that all mothers “Take a step outside”. He then says “What a simple thing to do! Find a time when they are all in a safe place, behind baby gates or otherwise entertained for a minute or two, tell them you are right outside and will be back in a minute, go out, and close the door”

Hello, Dr. Phil… Debbie Cluff here. I have to pee with the door open because if I don’t they bang on it (not very peaceful). Also, as long as we’re on the topic of minute or two, can we talk a little about silence? As it turns out, SILENCE is my sworn enemy, especially if I am leaving the kids in the house for 2-3 minutes ALONE. You see, every time it is silent in this house, they are up to no good. For 8 years, all I wanted was ten straight minutes of peace and quiet. These days, as soon as ten straight SECONDS of peace and quiet lapse, it means that the kitchen cabinets are being emptied or the dog’s tail is being tugged or the fireplace grate is being licked. You really think I can walk outside while the kids are in a safe spot for a minute or two?? Get real. Instead I suggest change in meds followed by a frantic change back due to unacceptable personality changes. Simple. The doctors visits alone will give you some time to drive back and forth, the waiting room, etc.

Next, he suggests, “Take a bath. For those who haven’t been there, this may seem silly, but I guarantee that with many children in the house, bath time is sacred and often skipped in favor of sleep”. Dr. Phil, have you tried to take a bath with a 4 and 6 year old?? Should I mention the great leg shave/bleed of 2010? And another thing, skipped instead of sleep… SO I should be bathing and sleeping all in one day? Interesting concept, but how do you juggle that with sex with the husband?? All three? Seems a bit much.

Since these tips are SO wonderful, we should do the next step in prioritizing ourselves as mothers, “Do your hair and nails”. What a wonderful concept. Let’s get out the hair clips and the nail polish remover, then the actual nail polish. Wow, that will attract 2 little girls like white on rice. I think my girls have a six sense for when it is time for “nails”.

After reading the great list of setting my priorities straight from the professionals, I am thinking I totally am a rocking mom.

With that, I will leave you with one of my top priorities with my kids, college funding....

Emma comes running up to me. "Mama, you take my dress off?"

"Why do you want your clothes off?" I asked.

"Cause I want to dance!" she answered. Like, duh, Mom.

"So, you have to be naked to dance?" I obviously asked.

"Yes, Mama! It's more fun!" she replied.

I just looked at Tyler and started cracking up. "The upside to her wanting to be a naked dancer, though, is that we can spend her college fund on an European vacation...."

He was not amused. "You're not funny, Debbie. Emma, keep your clothes on!"