Thursday, April 29, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
So really what is the secret recipe of a successful marriage??
Overall, I think that Secrets and Marriage have to go hand in hand. If I told Tyler everything I did knew or thought, our marriage would crumble under the massive evidence of my crazy behavior.
I think that is why women everywhere have formed the "Wife Secrecy Act" which is the true recipe of how a couple can survive the first 10 years of marriage, but I have to confess many are against this. And the government and banks aren’t working with us on this secret either. Let me explain...
The government asks for your height and weight on your driver’s license... seems fine, since I think everyone just picks a number that they appreciate the most. Tyler looks at my license and says "I don't think this is right". That is a complete violation of my "Wife Secrecy Act" which ensures that weight can be kept secret from a husband if the fat wife so wishes - no means no!
Furthermore, a woman doesn’t have to tell her husband her weight even under threat of credit card removal, and she will be found innocent of murder if he persists with this line of questioning. Armed with those BIG BOLD NUMBERS, Tyler can clearly see in black and white that I am fat in addition to being short, or "petite plus" as the fashionistas say.
I am devastated, but will get over it. But before I can recover from this blow, there is another major violation of the Wife Secrecy Act. Tyler asks me what that $150 was for that I just spent an hour earlier at Target. The banks have violated the Wife Secrecy Act by letting him track my spending on-line real- time. I have no time to formulate my lies and excuses about this expenditure as I am caught by surprise.
"It was only $149.00, Tyler, why must you always exaggerate". What I really needed was an hour to set up my sobbing plea for a new rug because of the poop stains, pulled threads and chocolate spills. The bank has thrown me off my game, played the ace, and eaten my last cookie.
I mean it won’t be long before Tyler can probably see via a secret car camera hidden in the rearview mirror that I have a bag of chocolate covered cinnamon bears stuffed beside the car seat with a Macho Diet Coke in the cup holder and a skittles bag with only the yucky yellows left.
I plead for everyone in a marriage to foster mutual respect - he must respect my secrets and I will respect his silence about my secrets. We can live happily ever after, me with my credit card and he with our new, clean rug.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
10 years ago I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall system performance over the years, particularly in the flower, chocolates and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 automatically uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.
It also seems that Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashed all together.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3, as suggested, to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Children Climbing 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Midday Napping 7.0, or Serial Starter 6.1. Please note that Midday Napping 7.0 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Father-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
Overall, Desperate, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and you will need to understand that it cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and
Road Rage 7.7
but overall it is important to remember that you do have a program that will last forever.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Do the Splits
Find a scrap of cloth. Place a dollar on the floor and stay nearby. When the victim comes by and bends down to pick up the dollar, rip the cloth loudly. Most people will reach back to see if they ripped their pants.
Post "I am pregnant" in your box (of course, if you have gained weight this might not be the ideal one to do, but no harm done accept for your ego).
Audre with her sea glass... Thanks Leah!
What a cute belly, Katie!
Baby Kate... she LOVES me!
Audre picked some flowers... big surprise.
Leah, I love this photo... I am going to canvas it when it goes on sale. Lol.
Tito's Taco Salsa Recipe
8 roma tomatoes
1.5 small pickled jalapenos
One pickled carrot from the jalapeno can
One thin slice of white onion
Juice from 1/4 lime
about a tsp of salt
ten or so dashes of pepper (too much overpowers the other flavors)
I use my chop wizard and chop it all up into very small squares... then the secret is that you have to let it sit in the fridge for 24 hours.
Shredded Beef for Burritos
2 pounds roast beef
3 cans Coke (NOT diet, big suprise)
1/4 c. brown sugar
dash garlic salt
1/4 c. water
1 can sliced green chilies
3/4 can RED enchilada sauce (I used Old El Paso brand, medium spiciness)
1 c. brown sugar
Throw it all in the crock pot for about 4 to 6 hours
1 c. uncooked rice
1 tsp. butter or margarine
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp. freshly squeezed lime juice
1 can (15 oz) chicken broth
1 cup water
1 Tbsp. freshly squeezed lime juice
2 tsp. sugar
3 tablespoons fresh chopped cilantro
Put it all in the rice cooker
1 packet TRADITIONAL Hidden Valley Ranch mix (not BUTTERMILK)
1 c. mayonnaise
1 c. buttermilk (if you don't have buttermilk, you can make your own our milk into a one-cup measuring cup then Add 1 tablespoon of white vinegar)
2 tomatillos, remove husk, diced
1/2 bunch of fresh cilantro
1 clove garlic
juice of 1 lime
1 pickled jalapeno (make sure it is pickled from the can)
Combine everything and then it has to sit in the fridge for a couple of hours
Ginger Salad Dressing-JapaneseCombine all the ingredients in a blender for 30 second
1/2 cup onion, minced
1/2 cup peanut oil
1/3 cup rice vinegar
2 tablespoons water
2 tablespoons fresh ginger, minced
2 tablespoons celery, minced
2 tablespoons ketchup
4 teaspoons soy sauce
2 teaspoons sugar
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
Pink Sauce from Tokyo Wako
1 cup Best Foods mayonnaise
3 teaspoons paprika
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon sugar
1 teaspoon water
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon powdered ginger
Just combine all at once and shake shake shake
Wisconsin Cauliflower Soup
2 tablespoons margarine or butter (1/4 stick)
1 medium onion, chopped
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups milk
1 can (13 3/4 to 14 1/2 ounces) chicken broth
1 head (2 1/2 pounds) cauliflower, cut into 1-inch pieces
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard (I just used regular mustard and it was fine)
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1 cup pepper jack cheese
Country Pasta with Mozzarella
8 oz. uncooked rigatoni (I used penne and it was wonderful)
8 slices bacon, cut in 1 inch pieces (I used real bacon pieces from Costco)
2 c. broccoli flowerets
1/2 tsp. minced garlic
2 c. shredded Mozzarella cheese
1/4 c. Parmesan cheese (I used real Parmesean)
pinch of cayenne pepper
1/4 c. chopped parsley (I used much less)
TEXAS ROAD HOUSE SWEET YEAST ROLLS – Copy Cat
1 1/2 pkg. active dry yeast
1/2 cup warm water
2 cups milk- scalded and cooled to lukewarm
3 tablespoons of melted butter - cooled
1/2 cup sugar
2 quart all purpose flour --
2 whole eggs
2 tsp. salt
Soften yeast in warm water with a teaspoon of sugar.
Add yeast, milk, sugar and enough flour to make a medium batter. Beat thoroughly. Let stand until light and foamy.
Add melted butter, eggs and salt. Beat well. Add enough flour to form soft dough. Sprinkle small amount of flour on counter and let dough rest.
Meanwhile, clean and dry bowl; grease clean surface of bow. Knead dough until smooth and satiny. Put in greased bowl; turn over to grease top. Cover; let rise in warm place until double in bulk.
Punch down. Turn out on floured board. Divide into portions for shaping; let rest 10 minutes.
Shape dough into desired forms. Place on greased baking sheets. Let rise until doubled.
Bake at 350 degrees F for 10-15 minutes (until golden brown). Baste immediately with butter
Yield: 5 to 6 dozen (depending on the size - I made mine kind of big and got about 3 dozen)