Disclaimer: It's my version of things, and in my version, I cannot be bound by the requirement of complete accuracy.
Seriously?? I have to confess… Shh, don’t tell anybody, but for some gosh for shaken reason I am pretty shocked at my mothering skills and how dang good they are prioritized on a daily basis. To tell you the truth, I actually suck at a lot of things, but for the most part, I have to say I do have my priorities straight about being a mother.
For example, today at the pool I chased Emma down with a can of sunscreen kicking and screaming, grabbed her in a monkey hold and sprayed her from head to toe... only slightly hitting the lady out tanning at the edge of the pool. Lack of cancer priority at it's best. CHECK.
You see, in my world, it's all about having your daily priorities in order if you want to chalk up points with the mothering skills, and getting my whites whiter than white is never, ever going to be a top priority. Helping my girls paste glitter to their artwork, even if it is on the wall, that's a top priority. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom to get a bit of peace and quiet, everyone needs to escape now and then, but this is acceptable, for a mother who has her priorities in line. But then, do I really have my priorities in tact as a woman, wife and mother??
With that, I thought I would see what the professionals think of mothers and their priorities. I decided to look up some simple steps to providing sanity and prioritize myself as a mother… Here you go, the first one is great. Dr. Phil suggests that all mothers “Take a step outside”. He then says “What a simple thing to do! Find a time when they are all in a safe place, behind baby gates or otherwise entertained for a minute or two, tell them you are right outside and will be back in a minute, go out, and close the door”
Hello, Dr. Phil… Debbie Cluff here. I have to pee with the door open because if I don’t they bang on it (not very peaceful). Also, as long as we’re on the topic of minute or two, can we talk a little about silence? As it turns out, SILENCE is my sworn enemy, especially if I am leaving the kids in the house for 2-3 minutes ALONE. You see, every time it is silent in this house, they are up to no good. For 8 years, all I wanted was ten straight minutes of peace and quiet. These days, as soon as ten straight SECONDS of peace and quiet lapse, it means that the kitchen cabinets are being emptied or the dog’s tail is being tugged or the fireplace grate is being licked. You really think I can walk outside while the kids are in a safe spot for a minute or two?? Get real. Instead I suggest change in meds followed by a frantic change back due to unacceptable personality changes. Simple. The doctors visits alone will give you some time to drive back and forth, the waiting room, etc.
Next, he suggests, “Take a bath. For those who haven’t been there, this may seem silly, but I guarantee that with many children in the house, bath time is sacred and often skipped in favor of sleep”. Dr. Phil, have you tried to take a bath with a 4 and 6 year old?? Should I mention the great leg shave/bleed of 2010? And another thing, skipped instead of sleep… SO I should be bathing and sleeping all in one day? Interesting concept, but how do you juggle that with sex with the husband?? All three? Seems a bit much.
Since these tips are SO wonderful, we should do the next step in prioritizing ourselves as mothers, “Do your hair and nails”. What a wonderful concept. Let’s get out the hair clips and the nail polish remover, then the actual nail polish. Wow, that will attract 2 little girls like white on rice. I think my girls have a six sense for when it is time for “nails”.
After reading the great list of setting my priorities straight from the professionals, I am thinking I totally am a rocking mom.
With that, I will leave you with one of my top priorities with my kids, college funding....
Emma comes running up to me. "Mama, you take my dress off?"
"Why do you want your clothes off?" I asked.
"Cause I want to dance!" she answered. Like, duh, Mom.
"So, you have to be naked to dance?" I obviously asked.
"Yes, Mama! It's more fun!" she replied.
I just looked at Tyler and started cracking up. "The upside to her wanting to be a naked dancer, though, is that we can spend her college fund on an European vacation...."
He was not amused. "You're not funny, Debbie. Emma, keep your clothes on!"